Nothing makes you feel as powerless and helpless as a loss of LOVE. You continue to love, and yet there is nothing you can do to put things back or make things right. Everyday, I live in pain, learning over and over again, to ACCEPT and move forward. The loss of power and control is a lesson that humbles you and strengthens you.
FAITH, is your light. Most days you wont be able to see a sign of things getting better, and you will just want to give up. This is where you must believe in something you do not know. Leave room in your heart to accept somethings you cannot understand, why, how, or what. Like fine wine, TIME is needed to prepare the heart and mind for various reasons you do not know.
Learning to “believe” is a humbling experience and astonishing to realize how difficult it has become as an adult. To believe in the impossible or unexplainable is somehow attached to child like. Adults are meant to understand facts, and what is real and what is not. We constantly research answers, and lead a life of believing in only what can be proven.
What does such a life lead to? I would be lying if I said a tragic life, and honestly, such a life is usually very productive and organized. The problem only appears when a tragedy beyond your control occurs. It is at this time, rational thinking and explanation is of no use. Your constant search of answers, will give you no peace. The fact is, we cannot CONTROL everything that happens, and sometimes in life you must surrender to it. Believe in the unknown, this is the only way to prevent your heart from becoming bitter and cold.
I have accepted there is nothing I can do regarding my broken heart, but what I can do is make sure 5 years from now I can look back on the break and be THANKFUL. One of my favorite saying is, “If you have lemons make Lemonade!” I hope in the future, I will have taken this tragedy, and somehow transformed it into something fabulously positive in my life. We may not have the power to choose what hapens to us, but we have the power to decide what we do with it,
princessdeficit 
I have this issue where the logical side of my brain can make sense of all of this – of so many other posts that give such good advice and motivation to just keep going and believing….
… but the emotional part of my brain just can’t seem to let go. It can’t wrap itself around the idea of him not being a part of my life ever again. I feel – and worry – like there’s always going to be a hope in the back of my mind somewhere, that SOMEHOW we’ll get back together, that we’ll finally be able to make it work even after twelve years.
Then too I suffer the other fears of seeing him with someone new or finding out somehow that he’s got someone new… and things like that just seem equally as impossible *sigh*
I lack any ‘acceptance’ whatsoever I think so you’re fortunate to have that…
dear jadedwildcat,
i think you misunderstood my current state. I feel all the things you listed. As I wrote, “Everyday, I live in pain, learning over and over again to accept….”
I fear any knowledge of him, or to even imagine he was or is with someone. He appears in my dreams happily laughing with pretty girls, and I just want to call him up and be like, stop invading my dreams! Unfortunately, that would only make me seem like a psycho so Im left gloomy and miserable the next day, powerless to this pain that comes day after day.
I never said I let go. In fact, what helped me was accepting the fact I will always love him, and always miss him. I will always have a corner of pain that belongs to him. what I learned is, we have the power to become a better person than we were when the break happened. Work hard on making positive changes in your life, and the GOOD in your life will soon out weigh, the Pain.
Take care. x
I don’t know the circumstances about your breakup. But if it is misunderstanding between you who caused the crash, it’s always a tragedy. It is so awful to be in the middle of the pain of a break up and after and I do hope you feel more faith for every day that pass.Good Luck!
Hi panikikubik,
The break was not caused by a “misunderstanding”. We were miserable together, but we couldn’t let go of each other, and would always get back together. As you can imagine such hostility, made me very sick and affected his career, finally I moved away, but we still wanted to make it work. Then one day he wanted to end it for good, and I didn’t feel I had the energy to keep trying. You would think it wouldn’t still hurt, but it does. He was my best friend for 8 years, and we talked everyday, but thats the problem with dating your best friend. You just can’t go back. The only way for me to move forward is to not know his life. I believe it is for the best, but it is just so painful.
Princessdeficit, It must feel just horrible for you.
I can only imagine your pain.
I do understand that it must be painful to look at the picture of ypur ex and his new girlfriend. But remember. Even if he is smiling at the picture, doesn’t mean that he is not still very sad in his heart becasue of you. Maybe he is heart broken – I guess he is – but he handle it differently.
All the best to you
Ihave problems excepting that my ex appears to have no feelings for me. She is cold and unfeeling and I cannot believe that after being together so long and loving each other deeply that she was able to do so.
Your mention of making each other miserabe but unable to end it resonates with me. I was miserable for a while and could not cope with the put downs and play second fiddle in all areas to the needs of her children. I eventually left by mutual agreement having given up a comfortable life to be with her. I ended up in a room with nothing. To this day I love her more than any other. I accept that is not going to change for some time. However in recent days whenever I think of her Isay “NO” to myself. “You made each other miserable and you left. It was not meant to be. Concentrate on what you have and what you can do without the constraints and enjoy life. Her new boyfriend may love her now but when he moves in things may not be so rosy.” I say this to myself until it passes.
I wish everyone a happy life. Unfortunately we all have our ups and downs. I never thought I would ever love as deeply as I did and never thought I would become so ill by the ending of it. One day she willbe nothing more than an ex and I look fwd to the day I do not feel an overwhelming sadness when I see or think of her. One day at a time!
Dear John, I don’t think that your ex has lost all feeling for you. I believe she acts cold because thats the only way to move forward. For whatever reason she has decided on a different path, and to take it she must cut things off. I can relate to her a tiny bit, because my ex didn’t want to cut all ties but for me, If we were not together, i knew it would be self suffocation to watch him drift further and further away. You may not see it now, but her coldness is a blessing for you.
You speak of a room with nothing, but if you flip it around and your room is a room ready for new beginnings. Make it your task to fill that room with great memories and accomplishments.
I believe once you love so deeply, it is my belief you will always love this person. Such pain, is a sign of how deeply they touched you. You should treasure the memories, but understand like all miracles in life, they do not mean to last forever. Like magic, it is for a moment, but that one moment is worth a whole lifetime.
I am actually grateful for the fact that despite everything, i am able to love him and myself enough to let him go. Just as he has a new path, so do I. You must take it.
Take care, one day at a time, and soon it will all make sense…
Thanks again for your kind comments. The world awaits and I am busy planning on my trips to South Carolina, Mexico and Australia. Hopefully a time to reflect and finally put things to bed. X
Hi Princess. The moment has now passed and I gave myself a telling off. Today I was back to my routine of saying “No” when her pretty face popped in my head. Hope you are ok after your illness. Onwards and upwards…..hopefully. Enjoy Christmas! X
The whole ‘making each other miserable together but NOT being able to let go”… my God, does that ever strike a chord with me 😦 😦 😦
This is how it always was… and for years it was him leaving me and the coming back after I’d sort of begun to pick up the pieces and try to move on.
This time is just, so hard. Not sure if you’ve actually been following my blog but, more and more I feel like because I was the one to actually pull away this time, it is so much worse. There is the constant questioning of whether or not I did the right thing or if I should have just stayed and tried to stick it out longer. Sometimes i even feel HE might have left again eventually, if I hadn’t done this but… so what?
I still get the constant temptation to turn back or I at least think about contacting him but something ALWAYS stops me..
It’s like you said, any knowledge of his life just makes me panic immediately and feel like I’m falling down a dark, deep hole…
I just am afraid to hear from him, or hear anything about him, or run into him, even despite the thoughts that perhaps I should have just stayed and tried to endure.
I’m just so unhappy, so miserable with this now that I don’t know what to do 😦
Hi jadedwildcat,
I am sorry to hear you are so unhappy and miserable.
It is always difficult when life hands you a choice, and you have no idea whether it was the right one or not. However, the fact that something stops you from running back, or calling him, makes me believe, you did make the right choice. Some part of you was telling you that you had enough, at least for now. You need this time to figure yourself out. Forget trying to replace him, or numb your emotions. You need to find a new place to focus your energy. The only thing that makes my day easier is staying busy planning and preparing my career. Master the art of distraction. bag up anything that reminds you of him, and figure out what you want to do with your life. You have made your choice, if you are meant to be, perhaps your paths will cross again when you are ready. take care. x
Wow…I think I am the male version of you. How is it that loving someone can make us act totally irrationally? Like you I remain in a perpetual circle of misery. One day I tell myself to buck up but the next I start my decent into thinking of my ex. All I can say is that we have to deal with it as there is no other option. I am planning trips around the world to hopefully find myself(corny I know). I really hope you find the strength to carry on with your life, but at the same day enjoy it. With each passing day life will get easier but like you I know the difference at the moment is minuscule. One day we will be free and look back and laugh…well so I am told! Take care
Dear John,
You said you were once told, “One day you will free and look back and laugh…” I don’t believe this is true. I believe It will always be a combination of pain and love. I don’t believe you can ever really be free from the “ONE” who drove you to insanity. I do chuckle at some crazy things I have done in the past, that normally I would never do or say. But, most of the time, I remember the moments that I cherished, those “magic moments”.
I know you desire to get over her, and be free, but what actually frees you is accepting she will always have a bit of your heart. Right now, it feels like a massive part, but with time, your memories loose its clarity and potency. In the end all you are left with is the love.
Pain and heartbreak has also forced me to find myself. Is that not the greatest gift of all? take care. x
Hi once again. Thanks for taking the time to reply. I often castigate myself for thinking of my ex as I believe by thinking of her I am continuing the circle of despair, however every little thing reminds me of her. I still have a hard time believing that I can be this badly effected so long after the break up. I can be quickly reduced to tears if I allow myself to think too deeply of her. One thing that does give me hope that I am not mad is that there are people out there, who have become as unbalanced as me over a partner. Those same people who may be professionals like I was and like me, believed they had found “the one” for it to be snatched away and as a result act in a way that is totally alien to them. Kindest wishes..x
Hi John,
I was the same. I actually did it so much I called it the “merry go round of horror”. It was basically one thought if that person leads to another and more speculation, why, who, what, and back to the same memory, and same thing, over and over again. This is very dangerous because it can drive you mad and make you sick. I learned the hard way, but My best advice is, you can’t help remembering your ex, but you CAN prevent yourself from taking that one memory and creating PANIC. This is why i learned the art if distraction. Find a hobby, new career, get a puppy, this will help you.
Regarding your tears. Never stop yourself from crying. They are meant to heal you, and its best to let it out.
take care.
x
Thanks again. As I said it makes me happier that other people are doing the same thing as me. I really thought I was the only one who acted in such a way.
My ex contacted me yesterday about my delivering Xmas cards for the kids. The conversation was stilted and to the point. Yet again I put my feelings and emotions into the mail but got absolutely nothing back. I signed off and will under no circumstances contact her again. I deleted the emails and the address that she sent the mail from.
It really is time to let go and put it behind me. Hope you are well. X
hi john,
unfortuntely, when kids are involved in relationships it gets very complicated. In one sense you are probably attached to them, and dont want to abandon them, but it is obviously very complicate, and you are left with no choice. Always remember, you may not emotionally be capable of getting over someone but you are in complete control of what you physically do.
take care.
Hi princess,
Well tonight I have let everyone down. Christmas is a happy time….yet such a bad ?time. One of those nights that all I can think about is that circle of despair the ex. What is she doing, who with, where, is she thinking of me at all, previous years we spent together and what we were doing?
Kills me inside. X
hi john,
I know how terrible those circles of despair can be, and what I have learned is, you have to be clever. Find ways that make thinking of her not such a horrible. Of course simply stop thinking about her would be best, but as I know too well, it is never an easy thing. whenever I think of my ex, I wish him a little prayer, and at the same time wish myself a recovery. After all, all we really want is to somehow recover. One thing that really helped me, was setting some rules. Im not perfect, but most of the times it works and helps me a lot. No matter what, do not dig for information about them. You must accept your life with them, was one life, and your life presently is completely different. In the beginning it is a bit difficult but keep telling yourself, and it shifts your brain in the right mind set. Yesterday, I had the worst case of food poisoning, and felt horrible, and its funny how so many times I “thought” I wouldn’t care if I died due to my ex, but actually, thank goodness we have our health! It is such a blessing to be able to function even just physically. Something to keep in mind, Take care.
Hi Princess. The moment has now passed and I gave myself a telling off. Today I was back to my routine of saying “No” when her pretty face popped in my head. Hope you are ok after your illness. Onwards and upwards…..hopefully. Enjoy Christmas! X
merry christmas to you too!
In True Love, we are always together on a higher realm (where we go in our dreams, sometimes). Always have, and alway will be. On the lower planes there’s much pain because of the separation. It is a separation from ourselves, in a sense. Yet, somehow we may become whole, encompassing even the deepest of schisms, if, as you so rightly point out, we teach our hearts to believe in the unknown.
Here’s to the great unknown and the freedom of the heart.
Thank You!
Haggai,
Such beautiful words, and so true. Thank you.