it has been awhile since I have written on this blog, but I received a comment today that inspired me to write about something that I have struggled with and experienced. The question was, How to LIVE, after you lose the one person that means everything to you?
This is a very personal question for me, because it digs deep into millions of hours, and gallons of salty tears, debating about this so called “Life” without the one you love. For those of you who have fallen so deep in love, know how crippling such an experience can be. So many people have told me, time will heal all wounds, or to find someone else who is better. I have even been accused of being “co-dependent” which is a huge pet peeve of mind, I will write about that word in a future post, because once I get started about it, I will rant forever. Anyways, my point is, a love like this, can only be understood by those who have experienced it. There really is no sign of relief. It has been over a year since I have spoken to my ex, and yet, if I let my mind drift on him, the tears still fall more potent than before. Love really doesn’t change. People think of it as something to do, or to receive, but LOVE is above all of that. So the million dollar question is, how can you really LIVE with your emotions in such a high register of pain?
Some people use drugs or substance to numb their pain. I know my ex probably used alcohol or “weed” to try to ease his pain. At least that was what he did every time we had broken up before. He even recommended i try it. The problem with this method is, you fix nothing, and simply run away from what will always be there. This is when you become “dependent” on a substance to help you stop “feeling”, and stop LIVING.
LIVING, is not simply breathing, or existing. LIVING is feeling, and experiencing life. If you want this you must accept the pain as well. It gets hard, I know. So many hours of tears, sadness and loneliness soon becoming, days, then months, and maybe even years? The stamina to “LIVE” is no easy task. However, I promise you, it brings you amazing gifts.
Everyday, i LIVE. I feel with all my heart, and do everything with the conviction to be better. I am thirsty to learn, and to expand my mind, and my knowledge of what I do not know. While I do these things, I gain confidence in myself, that I am not identified by heartbreak. There is Life after loss. It may not be “romance” but there are many different types of passions in life. In this chapter of my life, I have such a driving passion, to accomplish things. Not simply talk about it or dream about it, but to really do it! This is what brings me energy and strength to get through the pain of losing someone your heart constantly yearns for. Its funny how, sometimes I sit a lone, thinking about him, and tears just fall out of no where. My heart sits there wanting nothing more in the world than to hold his hand one more time. It is so funny to desire so much to be with someone, who is constantly with you. I have learned to live with him. The only thing that snaps me out of this “love coma” is when I am doing something that I am passionate about. For example, my art, or my business. These are all like my babies, and when they are completed, it is a sense of gratification that can shift my focus away. The more energy, I put into it, the more it grows, and the more time it consumes. I can safely say, the hours I spend crying over my ex, has significantly lessened. It is simply because I am busier. This of course will only work if you are honestly, PASSIONATE about whatever you choose. It doesn’t mean I am getting over my ex, or time has healed me, not at all like what people say. I know this because every time I have a moment a lone, where I am not busy doing something, my mind always goes back to him. The thought of another relationship to me right now seems impossible. My heart feels so connected to him, there is no room to let someone else in.
When something like this happens, it forces you to accept the possibility, that you will never have a family, kids, or love again. It just wouldn’t be fair to anyone, if I committed to someone that I could not truly give my whole heart. I have learned to accept this possibility, and to be grateful that I did get to experience such a love once in my life. I will cherish the memories I had with him forever. Everyday, i rebuild, and pull myself together, there is never a moment I feel I have made it, and I am happy. Life is constantly, twisting, and changing, and I have learned to adjust and adapt much better now. My life, is no longer lived for myself, but to fulfill a bigger picture. This brings me much comfort, and helps me let go of things that I wish I could control. My own happiness is not weighed heavily, as much as my desire to elevate myself and my mind. I fear less, after loss, and LOVE always, everyday.
take care my friends. xx