Today, I have been inspired to write about what it was like meeting, loving, and parting from my twin flame. I wrote a post a long time ago, titled,”14 signs of a Twin Flame” and for some reason, it has blown up all over the internet. I get hundreds of views everyday, on just this one post, and my numbers continue to grow. My belief is, large amounts of people are dealing with these same feelings or experiences as I have. For those of you who actually have followed my blog from the start, will know, this whole blog is basically my outlet to cope with parting with my greatest love of my life and the lessons I learned from it.
Here is my story:
I am a violinist: I first studied in New york, and then Germany. I was very unhappy at the music school in Germany and my german friend I met in New york, helped me score an audition in Belgium.
This is where my story begins. My ex, or Mr. X as I will refer to him, was the first person I met. He had his lesson right after my audition, and since he was my teachers best student, he was eager to show him off to me. He asked me to stay and watch and I remember, the feeling was very strange. It wasn’t, “love at first sight”, it was more like, a bond, as if we had met before. I remembered he played, Mendelssohn violin Concerto, and he was wearing a white shirt with sneakers.
When I entered the conservatory that September, we would bump into the halls casually but it was not some electric chemistry where I felt any attraction to him, but again, I was extremely comfortable with him. I remember the first conversation we had, he had asked me if we had met before, and I laughed, thinking, absolutely not, I grew up in the US and there was just no way. At the time he was dating another girl at the Conservatory, and from what I thought at the time, they were a “cute couple”. She was also a violinist, and a very nice girl. We all studied with the same professor, so we became “casual” friends.
My friendship with Mr. X was very unique, and something I never imagined would evolve the way it did. For the first 3 years, I would bump into him randomly around school, but quite rarely. However, when we did, it was like meeting an old friend, this was odd for both of us because we are both not “open” people,and rather introverted. We both kept the doors closed to most people, but from the start it was easy to speak from a very truthful and deep place. I can remember one time, he asked me to go for a walk with him. It was very random, but I said yes, and we just talked about everything. Things from our childhood, and personal memories, very random conversation, but never awkward. From the start, we could talk to each other for hours. It wasn’t romantic, not even a little. I was not attracted to him in a “romantic” way and he wasn’t either, but somehow we were very close.
After 3 years of friendship, he broke up with his girl friend, and started hooking up with other girls, nothing serious just fun. It didn’t bother me at all, but our friendship began to grow. He started calling me more and more, to the point we were talking everyday. One day, he called me out of the blue, and asked me if I wanted to go to Paris with him the next day, because he would be performing a concert there. Normally, I would never say yes to such a spontaneous request, but I could never say no to him for some reason. I can still remember the cute little french church he gave his concert in! it was about a 2 hr drive from Belgium, but it was so much fun talking. By the time the concert was done, it was late but I can remember he was so eager to show my the Eiffel tower, and Notre Dame. We had a cute little dessert in a French Cafe near Notre Dame. I remember I had a creme brulee, and I can’t remember what he had, lol, I guess I was too busy on my creme brulee. Anyways, afterwards, we walked to Notre Dame, and on the bridge, he looked to me and said, “The only thing that would make this night more perfect would be a kiss.” Unfortunately for him, I burst into laughter, and said, too bad you came with me, right? After that, I went home for the summer and thought nothing of that night, Later he would reveal to me that was the moment for him, that he knew he loved me.
After that night, I hd noticed, something had changed a little, he became quieter, and more closed. I was still clueless, but one night he was acting so weird, I begged him to tell me what was wrong, I remember that night so well, he was nervous and fidgety, he finally stopped his car in front of my apartment, and gathered enough courage to tell me he liked me. I told him, “ya..I like you too, we are best friends remember? He responded nervously, “No. I really like you, I mean more than friends”. I was shocked, speechless, and unable to return his affection, my Brain still didnt know I too had loved him. The rejection was very hard on him, and after that confrontation, our friendship quickly soured to the point we had a huge fight over the most silly things. We didn’t contact for 6 months, and it was the worst 6 months of my life. It was at this time I realized I had feelings for him. I coudn’t get him out of my heart or head. He was constantly on my mind, and I would even cry some days. It was the strangest reaction, I felt I was either losing my mind, or this must be love.
One day, I was so sad, I went out for a walk, and came across an adorable card. It reminded me of Mr.X and his Birthday was approaching. I didn’t buy it with the intention to give it to him, but I was so sad that day, I just bought it because it reminded me of him. I filled out the card sealed it, and carried it with me. I don’t know why. Anyways, A couple days later, I bumped into his brother at school. I though about giving him the card to give to his brother but I chickened out. When I got home, I decided, I should have given him the card, and headed write back. I promised myself, if I bumped into his brother again, I would give him the card. I know this will be hard to believe, but his brother literally as I was walking back came driving by. It was pure coincidence, and of course I took it as a sign. I gave him the card, and Mr. X sent me a reply on Facebook a couple days later.
You would think after everything, I would tell you happily ever after. I knew I loved him, he knew he loved me, what could go wrong? The answer is, everything. After I realized I loved him, when we got back together we didn’t immediately become a couple. He was so loving to me, and so understanding, but I was scared to love him. I was never more scared in my life, to “need” someone so much was terrifying. I still tried to remain just friends for another 6 months until finally, we had our first kiss.
After the kiss, there was no going back. It was the most unbelievable feeling of my life.It was as if our souls bonded together, and I never wanted to let him go. Every kiss after that day, was always a confirmation, he was my soul partner. I could hate him bitterly, but as soon as he touched me, or kissed me, or even just a hug, I never wanted him to let me go.
Finally, I knew I couldn’t fight it anymore, but I still did. My mom, was against me dating him, and she felt he was not suited for me. I tried again, to not be together, but it wasn’t possible.
From the start of our relationship has always been on and off. In the beginning it was always my fault. I was so scared, I always tried to find ways to get out of loving him so much. He was the rock, and always loved me, and took care of me, an listened to me. Sometimes, I would think to myself, he must really love me, to take all this nonsense.
Later, I realized it wasn’t nonsense at all. The problem was, my twin flame and me are exactly alike but complete opposites. We are both, stubborn, and introverted, and have a problem admitting when we are wrong. We both are highly opinionated and yet our beliefs are as north and south as you could possibly get.
Arguing was our thing. The last two years it felt like all we did was argue. As twisted as this may sound, I even loved arguing with him. He was the only person in the world I was close enough with to argue so honestly of what I felt, or really believed. The problem is, you can’t really function with all this hostility. It was at this time I developed my Panic attacks. My dreams of becoming a violinist also became impossible, due to my anxiety. My friendships suffered, and we both knew this was not healthy for both of us, and yet we kept on trying because it was so hard to let go of each other. My health was suffering. I was constantly sick, and I would never get better. From hives, to migraines, to chest pains, to skin rashes, one thing led to another. I was also suicidal at times, and I cannot believe Im admitting it now, but I was. I finally made a desperate decision to leave Belgium, and go back home. Even after all this, Mr. X and me tried to make it work. The last day I saw him was at the airport in Brussels. I look back and remember him watching me leave into the gates, and just staring, but with eyes I had never seen, Its really as if in some deeper level he knew it would be the last time.
We still attempted to keep our relationship going for another 3 months, long distance, but it grew increasingly hard for both of us. Until one day, he told me he wanted to end it. I was shocked, and devastated, but somehow I knew it had to happen as well. I wasn’t living anymore. I was just waiting around Skype, wanting to be with him. My brain knew I needed to break up as much as he did. He also was increasingly depressive, and his use of weed was increasing. He didn’t want to feel things anymore. One of my last conversations, we argued about the existence of a soul. He didn’t believe there was such a thing as a soul, but it was rather just the result of chemicals in the brain. It was his belief in the future scientist would be able to create a pill that could fix feelings of “love”.
For him, love was like a disease, and he wish he could be cured of me. It wasn’t convenient to care. For him, Love was in the way for what he really wants. He wants, fame, and career, and to have respect. He always felt I was what stood in his way.
For me, physically I am much better now. My panic attacks are less, even though I did just have one today, but I am otherwise in good health. I can function now, and I am able to think about things regarding my own dreams and desires. Lately, every job interview I attempt, I succeed, it is as if my luck has changed. However, everyday I am confirmed he is my soul partner. He is with me somehow. I realize it is such a weird thing to say, and only if you have felt it, would you understand what I mean. Me heart is literally broken, and I am an open wound. Every good or lucky thing that happens, is wonderful, but it somehow doesn’t mean as much. These mixed feeling have led me to a life of reflections, and realizing how wrong we are to put so much attention to things like money, fame, and power. I realize this because, none of these things can save you from a broken heart. The only thing that can save you and that matters is LOVE.