I’m sorry I have not posted in quite some time, but lately I have entered a phase of self reflection, and social isolation. It has been almost a year since the day my heart was broken forever. Let me first assure you, after a year, things do get better. I use to be a blubbering mess, who could barely comb her hair, or make her bed. I really lost myself in love. It is such a powerful force, and when that part of you, is yanked away, you’re left a shattered mess, completely hopeless in a pile of broken bits.
How has this heart break changed me?
1.) I no longer expect anything in RETURN
As children we are trained to learn tasks, with rewards. Be good at the doctors office and you get a lolly. Do your chores and get 10 dollars. Basically you put in “X” amount of effort and you will get “X” back. How about relationships? My mom always taught me, don’t waste your time on people who simply take from you. Only give to those who give you something back.
This whole mentality put me in a place where I was constantly, giving, or helping as a test to see how much they would return or in my heart, how much they cared. Constantly “testing” and always a bit of fear of what the results would be. Have I wasted my time and energy on someone who is just using me? Is this person genuine?
This mentality is wrong, and perhaps one of the biggest causes for human deterioration. Currently, I live expecting NOTHING from anyone, I actually help people more, and fear less. It isn’t a test anymore. You don’t have to prove anything to me, and everything I did, I did because I WANTED to do it. I still love my ex, and it is still hard on my heart, but I do not feel he “owes” me anything. Strangely enough, this is what has helped me let go.
Many people, comment on my blogs everyday, with similar situations, and most regret loving someone who ended up hurting them. Some want the whole memory erased, completely filled with anger and humiliation for loving someone who just took from them and left them a shattered mess. I also, was EXTREMELY disappointed, and spent endless hours torturing myself debating how he must not love me if he has done this. It was through these moments of struggle, I realized the errors in my ways. Why had I spent hours debating every memory and analyzing every word, trying to prove whether he loved me or not. This is not the way to live your life. It simply does not matter how much you analyze or debate, you will never know for sure the TRUTH about Matters of the HEART. People telling you that actions speak the truth, or if it is LOVE they would this or that, knows nothing about the the nature of love. People constantly, act against their heart/mind, and do things they may or may not regret.
Therefore, I concluded, if it is not a solution you will ever find a definitive answer, why waste your energy on it. Focus on what you know, your own thoughts and beliefs are what matters. Did you love? Was it real love for you? Were you true to everything you said? This is what matters. All those beautiful moments you spent together “in love” are not a lie. Love opens up to those who are true to their hearts. If you opened up to it, you got a taste of this magical thing called love. It was not a waste. If it was real to you, it is REAL. You experienced it, and those memories have changed you and brought you to the person you are today. If you regret your memories, it means you dislike the person you’ve become. If this is the case, it is your responsibility, and your choice to change the destiny of who you will be.
I promise you, my new life of not expecting anything back, has freed me from my misery. I WANT to give. I WANT to help. I no longer FEAR about whether someone screws me over or, is just using me.. The truth is, when you live this way you have nothing to fear, because you have all the power. Everything you do, is because you WANTED to do it, and therefore you have no regrets.