Before you get excited, no I am not getting married. I am still the same ol’ heartbroken blogger. However, theres is something I don’t think I ever mentioned. Over 3 years ago my ex, yes the same one, asked me to marry him. We were still students, and it didn’t seem real, he bent down with a Swarovski ring and promised one day he would be rich and famous and buy me a real diamond. I giggled and said okay, but it didn’t feel real. I had play acted this, “Will you marry me?”, scene since I was a little girl and it just seemed like pretend.
A couple months later, during a lunch date he told me that he had set a date with my dream venue for December 16, 2013. I was in complete shock, and asked him if he was crazy. First of all my venue is beyond expensive and to plan 3 years in advance seemed so ridiculous. I remember telling him, I didn’t want a winter wedding but a Spring wedding, and causing a fuss. He told me not to worry because he didn’t have to begin payment till a year before.
Nelson Mandela once said, “There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways you yourself have altered.” I bring this up now because in a couple of days it will be “That” day my ex had set for us to marry over 3 years ago. How crazy to think how things have changed. He promised me the world. He probably does not even remember now but it is amazing to look back at an unchanged memory, and realize how much things have change, I have changed…
I see life, and love with different eyes. I realize so many things I was taught and told, are lies. There is so much false propaganda about love it is no wonder people are so confused about the subject. “Forever” is a very hard thing to promise for humans. People are flawed and sometimes we make mistakes, Love itself, if real, will be forever, not because of promises, but simply because such a bond cannot be broken. The truth is, you never know if your love is really real until it is gone. Sincere promises provide satisfaction, but time is far too honest to hide the truth. Even when you part, do you still love? Do you still feel the power of a unbreakable bond? This is love, not the act of a wedding. It is not a showy display of affection, and to announce to the world, look at us, we own each other. Love should be private. A celebration of an inner bond. Before, I desperately wanted a lavish, wedding, with hundreds of guest, just like the Disney princesses I had seen at the end of movies, but now it seems rather foolish.
If I were to ever marry I would want a private affair, with candles, in nature, and sharing our own private feelings for each other. I do not need him to promise me anything, nor believe it holds any meaning. Promise will either be broken, or force you to do something you regret, or you will end up successful and happy which means your love was real and you didn’t need to promise anyways. The thing I realized is, human nature finds the need to control things. We want to believe we are in charge of all things, and then start to organize uncontrollable factors in controlled compartments. Does it work? Yes, sometimes, but No as well. Which makes me wonder, did all that life organizing make any difference at all? Perhaps, people who break-up are just meant to break-up. People who are meant to stay together, will.
Every time I shed a tear, more potent than before, I realize the power that is Love. Broken promises, a failed relationship, this my life. Did he ever really love me? Yes. I believe he did. Was it real love for him? I will never know, nor does it matter. For me, I have loved, and touched upon a magic that leaves me broken, altered forever, but horribly better.