Everyone says time heals all wounds. I disagree. What happens is, you grow stronger and wiser. It is your job to “workout” your emotions and get stronger. It has been 8 months since I spoke to my ex, and yes, I am much better now . However, the severity of the pain is not less. Not at all, it is unrelenting and exhausting. The best way to describe my current life, is like a huge, never ending marathon. It’s like when you run, you get these muscle cramps and you feel like you just have to stop but you push through, and you make another target to push a little more. You get this adrenaline rush each time you outrun what you thought was your limit. This is my life. I am constantly, pushing forward, staying busy, but all over this agitated feeling of , “Do not stop”, and “I’m in pain”. Whenever, I do take a moment with my thoughts, usually at night as my eyes close shut to sleep. One salty tear sneaks from the corner of my eyelid and falls down my cheek. To my shock, another, and another, and another, until my cheeks are soaked wet. Such a deep pain, I never knew. It is so hard to keep going every morning, but I know the secret. It is MUCH harder to stay in bed and let your mind replay the horror of missing someone in the past. You are in the present, and whether you like it or not, the gift of PAIN, forces you to stop being lazy and move forward. Take all your emotional baggage and PUSH forward. TRuST me it is the only way to survive.
I am the first person, to admit, I was never an over achiever. Yes, I went to school, got my degrees, but my head was ways stuck in the clouds. I was the type who loved snuggling in bed all day watching movies on my off days. I never had that “itch” to get out there, and be the BEST. However, “PAIN” has turned my life upside down. It has taken away my ability to just hang around, relax, and be happy. Whenever, I stop, the tears start. This is the downfall of my pain, however, the benefits are, I have accomplished so much with my life since the pain began. I have so many projects, I can’t even keep track. My life is go, go, go, and the value of my development is shocking. Pain actually helps me to remove myself from what is safe, and comfortable. I constantly find myself in new situations, and an existence of transformation. I have to, or else the pain is too much.
Living with Pain everyday, has built a strange relationship between me and Pain. Before, I always just wanted to be happy, and I would do anything to get away from pain. However, since nothing I did would separate me from pain, I realized, it has a lot to teach you as well. Pain in an odd way, helps me to push myself and break barriers that I thought could never reach or break. It brings great satisfaction and personal elevation and transformation. Once I realized this, it has been a clearer understanding of what i must do. I’m running the marathon of life, and pain will always be with me. It is making me stronger, and soon I will be where I am meant to be. Pain will bring me there.
Ever since I was born, I was taught that Happiness was everything. All life decisions should based toward this emotion and anything that caused you pain was somehow a sign that it was the wrong direction. However, my heart break has caused me to have a revelation about this, and it has changed my mind set so completely I decided to write about it.
I believe Happiness should be appreciated, but not desired as the meaning of your life. After all what is happiness to you? Is it satisfaction of achievement, contentment, getting what you want, gratification with what you have? These are all very positive emotions, and extremely desirable human qualities, but lets think a little deeper. When you are 100% happy do you really progress, or advance yourself or situation? Whenever you challenge yourself it is coming from a place of desire, and need for something you do not have. That desire stems from some amount of underlying pain. There is always pain within us because, through pain you develop and grow. Desiring only to be happy is the same as a child who only wants to eat ice cream.
The truth is pain is not a bad thing. You learn from mistakes, you grow from disappointment, and pain challenges you to over come steps you never believed you could pass. You can surprise yourself and accomplish things that were not possible. Anyone, who has developed any type of skill to a professional level know about the “pain” involved in reaching that goal. Whether it be social sacrifices, disappointment, hours of practice, rejection, or failure, the path to personal development will always involve pain. Yes, there is also happiness, but if I look back at my music days at conservatory, the pain was more frequent than happiness. Happiness came as splashes, here in there when I recognized beauty in my achievements, or receiving compliments in my progress, but it definitely was out weighed by the pain. This is what makes happiness, desirable, and glamorous. It pushes you, because we want to reach that comfortable feeling of acceptance and satisfaction. It is a safe place, that relaxes you and rewards you for all your hard effort, but, desiring to always to be in a state of “Happiness” is one dimensional and lacking purpose for your life and the direction it takes. Through my pain I have learned so much about life, achieved strength, revealed truths , eternal growth of compassion, empathy, sympathy, and understanding of the importance to continuously evolve and grow. After all if you have never fallen how will you ever know how to get up?
On this very day 220 years ago, Marie Antoinette was executed on Place de la Concorde in Paris. She was found guilty of treason the morning of October 16 1793, and was beheaded at 12.15 that very day. She was just weeks before her 38 th Birthday, and her Husband had already been executed as well.
They cut her hair and wheeled her out hoping to humiliate her, but she remained dignified and regal till the very end. Nobody can deny the fact anyone capable of remaining regal moments before an execution is truly extra ordinary. One of my favorite quotes by her is, ” Trial and tribulation first show you who are”
A true Queen till the very end.
The biggest mistake people make is to believe Love is the same thing as Marriage. Love is not Marriage, it is a soul connection. You do not need to prove yourself to deserve love, or behave a certain way in order to keep it. When the soul loves their match it is forever. Unconditional. It may not guarantee to be together in a physical form, but within your soul, your love will never die for each other. There is no divorce in love. If it is really real, you will care for them, and your memories forever.
Marriage on the other hand, is what we do to make love possible among two very flawed human beings. Marriage, is a pact to work together to get through those problems, and flaws together. It should be an understanding that two people living together is not an easy thing. Love does not magically make you perfect for each other, or suddenly erase all your hidden skeletons or human flaws. They are all still there, and will need much work to coexist together. If there is a problem in the relationship, do not blame love. Love is simply the unexplainable feeling that bonds you forever. Marriage will contain happiness, as well as much pain. To believe marriage is only worthy during the good moments, means you do not understand Marriage or Love. Do not believe because your marriage failed or you break up that there was no love. People simply fail to figure out how to exist together. Sharing your life in a physical form, takes a lot work and luck, sometimes all the work in the world, just isn’t enough. The important thing to remember, is even though you separate, or lose contact, and never see each other, every time you remember a memory, and feel that nudge of pain, it is a reminder that LOVE still exists.
You look your entire life, to finally find your twin flame. The one other person in this world that shares your soul, why in the world would you break up with someone like that? Are we not taught that true love means you stay together, through the good the bad, all of it?
The truth is, twin flame relationships are on a High Risk level. This means, as beautiful and in love as you are, it can break quite easily if you do one thing. You must not ever lie. If you continue to lie to your twin, it is guaranteed to break. You cannot hide anything from your twin and this will cause much tension and strain that you will not understand. You may start to think, in my last relationships my partner did not over react like this, and start to doubt the value of your flame. However, what you fail to realize is, your twin, shares a soul, and when you lie they feel it. You will be stressed beyond reason trying to keep up with your lies, and the relationship is doomed. You must be able to surrender yourself to each other, and trust completely. It is only at this time, the relationship will blossom and you can help eachother grow, other wise, your twin flame can destroy you. After all, who knows more secrets, than your twin.