Am I giving up?

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You know how people say when you fall in love it is just easy? Well..everything about my relationship has been difficult from the day it started, and some ten + yrs later it is still horribly painful and difficult. I do not doubt I am in love with him, because the only reason I stay is because of that love. However, for the first time, I am feeling like I want to leave.

I am tired. Tired of crying. Tired of worrying. Tired of apologizing for things just to appease the relationship.  I want to feel like my feelings matter, and not to be written off as psychotic girl drama. But, in this relationship, I have realized, the only way it works is if he gets to do exactly what he wants, and I keep my mouth shut. Unfortunately, I do have a big mouth, and it doesn’t stay shut for very long. This leads to volatile arguments, and my anxiety shooting through the roof. My panic attacks, are increasingly worse, and sometimes they are so bad, it leads to nose bleeds and coughing blood.

I would never want to be the type to give up on a person that I believe to be my soulmate, but there is this other girl. She has been in the background since the beginning of our relationship and she has confessed her love for my bf twice, that I know of. She has positioned herself in a powerful position befriending his brother, best friends and parents. Basically, she will always be around, and my anxiety will never have peace. She is one of those girls with a “reputation” for sleeping with everyone. She has slept with many of his friends, acquaintances, married men, and even having an abortion with another married man. She is bad news, and girls like that never fight fair. They are cowards. Being the “convenient ” girl who demands nothing and offers anything. They lie to get whatever they want, and easily become “someones’ dirty little secret”. I never had any solid proof that my bf cheated on me, but I do know they had sex twice when we were broken up. I am not so naive to say he did not cheat on me, but even if he didn’t, just her presence is enough to make me break out into hives. But, what can I do? She is best friends with his brother and his best friends?! There is nothing I can say without being outcasted as the villain. It is a formula calculated to blow up in my face. The only way to find peace is to leave. Does this make me courageous, or am I giving up? Im just so tired of this life. Crying alone in corners of rooms, and forcing smiles to get through torturous days, I just want to have a moment of peace. Can I find peace alone?

 

 

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Why I Stay with someone who hurts me.

I think one of the craziest things about life is the difference between what you think love will be like  and what it actually turns out to be. FYI, not all love stories are happy. Not all lovers know how to love. Nor do all lovers know how to be vulnerable.

I have been in a relationship for over 10 yrs, and all 10 of them have been very hard. SO many times I find myself in a puddle of tears, while he watches me with disdain and zero remorse. The things he continuously choose to do are precisely the things that dismantle my heart and sanity. However, that is just my side of the story. My perspective, and my pain. No one ever told me about the importance of trying to understand “his” side.

People feel justified in judging your actions without really understanding you heart, or reasons, but life does not work like that. No one who loves you should hurt you, but that doesn’t mean they won’t.

So I ask myself, why do I stay? According to my friends, they see me as some kind of emotionally battered woman who has failed to demand more for my life. I’m filled with inspirational advice regarding, self empowerment, and self worth. Maybe that is true, but all I know from my heart is, I love him, and if he needs me I don’t want to leave him. I stay because I don’t want to give up on someone I love. I want to understand. I want to learn. I want to make it work.

The problem is when you love someone, you need to be loved back. Not just loved back, but you want to be loved as you would love. We have this mental idea of how people should love. However,  that validation engrained in your DNA, is not returned as you imagined, and it feels like a complete shutdown.

The fact is, you do not know everything. You will never know everything, but the act of trying to understand is the best gift of all. If I’m honest, I have no idea what my relationship is, but I find loving someone with all your heart, means having FAITH in that person. It doesn’t mean living in denial of what they have done, but BELIEVING in the GOOD that exists within them.

It is easy to love when people are successfully “good”,  but when they are “bad” it is truly a test of the love within you.

 

How to love, and Being in love, are not the same thing.

 

I think most of us grow up believing, “actions speak louder than words”, therefore, if you say one thing, but do another, you are actually not being truthful.

Unfortunately, the game of love is never so clear. The state of “being in love” is COMPLETELY separate from the ABILITY to maintain it.

Being in love“, is a gift that just happens. No work, money, bribery, or promises is required to fall in love. You meet someone, and you will either spend the rest of your life with them, or physically separate but emotionally with them. Either way, its eternal.

So now you are in love, now what? DO you magically turn into this perfect creature who never says anything harmful, and never lies? Chances are, if you were honest, you are still honest, and if you are a scumbag, you are still a scumbag. Your character, daily habits, morality, and weaknesses are not going to disappear, and neither will your partner’s.

“Love partnerships”, is the realization that the act of being in love, is a gift that requires many tasks. The love you share, is meant to be the glue that binds two people, with varying qualities that can help the other person achieve their life purpose.

However, people come with their own set of baggage. You must accept, forgive, support, compromise, and repeat. Or, if you are at fault you must grow up, change, and do better. No Exceptions.

You do it not because it makes you happy, but because you NEED the person you love. I know what I am saying is controversial considering, most believe people are replaceable and disposable. If a partner is slacking, swipe right and get a new one.

Unfortunately, there are many people in the world but very few that will touch your heart. The experience, power, and effects are nowhere near the capacity of true love.

If you are lucky enough to find love. Fight for it. People are not perfect, and neither are you. Make sure they are okay, even if they don’t deserve. Learn to forgive when they are cruel. Give when they take. Believe in the power of loving someone who doesn’t deserve it.

 

IS IT LOVE? 4 CLEAR SIGNS Y

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Recently, I was out for drinks with a friend, and she asked me about love. More specifically, “how do you know when it’s love?”

Immediately I was flooded with different examples, and endless stories, but my thoughts were not organized nor focused. Im pretty sure I didn’t make much sense, but I have been thinking about it a lot these days, and here are my top 4 signs it is love.

SIGN #1

Love is LIFE CHANGING.

There was you before love and then you after love, the destinction is clear.It is such a powerful experience that your perspectives on life, will have new eyes.

It will be obvious to you and others that you are no longer acting or behaving the same as before. Whether the behavior change is good or bad or even just funny, something new will be breathing life in your behavior.

SIGN #2

“BREATHLESS” A Loss for  words.

You know that feeling you get when you see a sunset, or a mountain top view? That moment where words don’t come out and you’re left in breathless awe? That’s how love feels.

My theory is, this is why so many love couples spend romantic dates near nature. Whether it be sunset walks on the beach, mountain hikes, or picnics at the park, love mimics nature and it makes you want to be part of it.

SIGN #3

“PUZZLE PIECE Partners”

There is a strange feeling of a “click” that happens when you fall in love.  They “complement” the other piece and feed the other half what it needs. This can mean many factors from, challenging, teaching, sharing, hurting, supporting, etc, the other half. It is a partner who is made to help you form into the person you are meant to be. Therefore, it is incorrect to hope your partner should think and behave exactly like you. Your partner is everything you need but perhaps not always what you want.

SIGN #4

“UNFORGETTABLE”

There is always that one person that never leaves your heart and defies time. The memories remain clear, and the emotions never leave you. It doesn’t matter how much time passes, or how hard you may try to hate that person, there is always that one, that will forever stay in your heart. Whether it be a grotesque mole on your foot or a beauty mark, it will be with you FOREVER.

My Top 5 Tips to Make a Difficult Relationship Work

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I do believe it was Einstein, who defined insanity, as doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different out come.

Making a difficult relationship work, means CHANGES have to be made.

I am embarrassed to say, it took me countless break ups with the same guy, over the same things, nearly a million crazy times to finally realize; things won’t get better, till I change something. YES, ME not him.

Here are my Top 5 TIPS  that are helping me in my relationship:

TIP 1: CHANGE

I focused so many hours expressing my feelings, and hoping my guy would change his ways. I found my voice soothing to myself, while disregarding how annoying it must have been for him. I think a lot of us make this mistake of trying to “teach” your partner how to love you. For some people this may work, but in my situation it NEVER DID.

What does seem to work is changing my behavior. Lead by example. If you want positivity in your relationship, be the first to put it there. DO something nice for no reason and most importantly DO NOT JUMP SO QUICKLY TO ACCUSE AND THINK THE WORST. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Seeing the best in the person you love, helps them WANT TO BE BETTER. The challenge is, YOUR STRENGTH. It is very hard to maintain the stamina to control your ego.

It is your EGO that demands kindness in a sour way. Let your HEART fertilize kindness in a organic way.

TIP 2: STAY AWAY FROM SELF PITY

I can not count how many times I started arguments feeling sorry for myself. I focused all my energy on what I needed and what I deserved.

” I loved you with everything and you never loved me. You used me, YOU betrayed, and humiliated me!! YOU ARE HORRIBLE! “

Sound familiar?

In the heat of the moment those thoughts and words seem VERY true, and you say them because you are HURT and want confirmation that you are wrong. When you don’t get that confirmation you start spiraling further. When the reality is, you know deep down  it’s not true. One of the main things my guy disliked about my behavior was how I was so quick to disregard his efforts to show his love for me. In his way he tried harder than he ever did for another girl, and it fueled such anger in him to hear me so casually disregard all of it. Don’t use low blows in fights hoping to get a hug, or an apology, because I promise you, it’s not coming.

STOP ACCUSING, and START LISTENING. I promise you nothing works better than saying something sweet, followed by silence. Let him explain to you.

Example:

“I know you love me, and I trust you… *silence* ….” I’m tired, and I am going to sleep a little bit. “

Trust the power of silence. 🙂

TIP 3: BE PARTNERS NOT COMPETITORS

“I’m right, you’re wrong.” Is basically the simplified formula of  any argument.

The funny thing is, if you decide to be partners, it makes no sense to  argue who is right or wrong. What you should be doing is focusing on solutions and destinations. If you do not like something, then figure out a way “together” to make it work. WORK together to make it right.

Competing for your egos is the quickest way to a blow out fight.

TIP 4: HOW NOT TO RUN.

Things are tough, and if your anything like me or my partner, you will constantly want to run. I think we are biologically programmed to reject discomfort. However, you can’t get anywhere in a difficult relationship until you decide, “running” is not an option. This tip is still a hard one for both of us, and sometimes we slip up. But we talk about it when things are going well, and make pre-planned decision to not say “break-up” or threaten leaving  whenever things get heated. It’s amazing how a simple change like this, can strengthen your relationship and make you feel like you are on the same side. It really helps with trust.

TIP 5: A HAPPY MERRY GO ROUND

In the past I often defined my relationship as a merry-go-round of horror, and I have discussed it with my partner, and we joke about it now. This theory is about not letting ourselves repeat all our mistakes. We all have bad habits and flaws, but with discipline you can check yourself.Analyze your problem spots in the past and come up with a strategy together to prevent it from happening again. SOLVING these mistakes, churn out new experiences together, and find you no longer repeating same situations.

 

Take care guys!

Much love to you all.

 

 

 

 

What Does it Mean to LOVE someone?

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Hello Everybody,

It has been a very long time, and I have been thinking so many thoughts these days. I figured, what better place than here, to purge my deepest thoughts.

What does it mean to love someone?

First of all, LOVE  is a crazy thing!

At least for me, it has been quite a crazy ride. It forces you to learn so many lessons about yourself and demand a higher character level.

This is the thing that nobody talks about, and I wish someone would have given me a heads up.

When you fall in love you become crazy. lol. Literally. Im serious.

We all have differing degrees of ‘love crazy’, and it is largely correlated with all your pre-existing baggage. Love enhances all your emotions, and energies: good or bad.

For example, my dad left when I was 8 years old. I never saw my Dad much again, and now we have no contact. The funny thing is, he was never an active dad and when he left, I never felt much sadness. I was a very good kid and never rebelled or showed signs of a broken home.  I was always very independent, positive, and forward thinking. My life felt complete and rather happy.

However, everything changed when I fell in love.

Of course it always starts out with the GOOD stuff. The wonderful, beautiful memories of finally meeting the person who SEES you completely and loves you. They SEE you for you and the soul you have. You bond on the deepest level, and this shatters you. It shatters all the fake walls you have built through out the years to protect yourself. All of it is torn down and you experience this powerful bond with another human. The world literally glows through your eyes but it is terrifying, because you feel naked.Exposed.

I was a mess. The more I loved, the more I feared abandonment or betrayal. I was crazy jealous, and it didn’t help that ‘my guy’ had a scandalous past. Its funny how your soul pair, “sometimes” can be everything that pisses you off. Everything you were brought up to believe is wrong, or “not love”. I had TERRIBLE anxiety, and thought I was losing my mind. Always testing him to see if he really loved, and always feeling disappointed. Almost everyone, including myself, believed the only problem was my guy.

This is when you are tested. Some people who had a near perfect childhood may not have the slightest problem with fear of abandonment or betrayal. I have seen such couples, who easily love, and respect each other. People only talk about these “perfect” couples, and it makes everyone acting like a crazy fool, think they are in some “codependent, abusive” relationship. When the reality is, YOU are messed up and most likely the person you are with is messed up. The only way a messed up person can live peacefully, without fixing their mess,  is if they are with someone does not love them nor someone they love either. Why? Because love, triggers your demons.

Then what do you do?

What you have to do, is not run from your problems. Stop blaming your partner and start looking at yourself. Understand that most love relationships are MESSY.. They are not DISNEY FAIRYTALES. Think more a long the lines of Shakespeare and the mess that creates a magnificent love story.

If you want a life “in love” you must face your demons, and FIX THEM. IF you don’t FIX THEM, the relationship with BREAK. You both must, become better people who learn to control fears, and anxieties that are effecting your entire life and learn to RESPECT love. LOVE IS A BATTLE FIELD. Everyday, it is a fight to keep it going and not give up on myself and each other. This love has never been easy, but I can confidently say, it has made me a better person.

IS IT SUCH A BAD THING TO NEVER GIVE UP ON SOMEONE?

People mess up, and sometimes more than others. They continuously hurt others, because they are hurt themselves.  Do we cast them off into the darkness and shun them from the rest of the world?

Society would say yes. The world we live in rejects the concept of loving those who do not “DESERVE” our love. We play this game of mathematics measuring the love we put in, against the love we receive. Basing actions of kindness on the actual return value.

The thing is, how can we ever expect a better world when we continuously reject and give up on those who need it the most? Is it really such a bad thing to never give up on someone who you love?

This is my dilemma. I have loved only one person my entire life, and it has not been the peaches and roses that Disney movies promise little girls. Disappointment has been in the abundance, and heartache almost routine. According to the mathematics of life, I should find a “better” suitor and pursue my own well being. However,  love is not something you choose, but something you are given. I do not understand why I love this one man more than my own life, but I do. It is perhaps, the hardest experience of my life, but nevertheless a character builder.

It is easy to run from people who hurt you. However, POSITIVE changes in our world can only happen when people share love with those who do not “deserve” it. I am well aware, many people will highly disagree with my perspective, but I do not really care. Loving someone with all my heart has allowed me to love the world with all its imperfections. People will screw you over, and people will disappoint you, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t return their bad actions with a positive one. Yes, you may get hurt. Yes, it may inconvenience your life, but a life all about you, is the precise reason our world is so messed up. This world needs more people that dare the embarrassment of loving something who has screwed you over. Love provides an abundance of lessons. It can out weigh fear, hate, and misery created by human error, but takes a lot work, and belief in the impossible.

 

Crying. My Ex is a Jerk.

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So here I am crying again, reminded of two years ago, and how it was like to be with my ex. I really love him, and that is singularly the only reason I accept so much crap from him. He has this way of treating me in such a way that “unknowingly” I feel worthless to him. i know all of you are thinking, “crazy girl, get rid of him and find someone who will treat you right and give you the love you need.” However, the reality is, love is not fair.

I look at love like this: Imagine a classroom and each person is paired off with a random partner. Its not your choice but a simple pull from the hat. There are always those few lucky pairs that work well together, think alike, and respect one another. However, the majority are quite mismatched, random, and chaotic. Thats me!

I believe love is exactly like this. Everyone boasts about these “perfect partners” who should do this, and be like this, but no one ever talks about the TRUTH that some people may have a soul mate who is a total DUD, and completely suck. It is simple mathematics. If everyone in the world has only one true soul mate, or even lets say a couple of them, how does that work? Someone is obviously paired off with a serial killer, a flake, or massive player. We try to convince ourselves we are somehow in control of who we select as our mates, but wouldn’t that lead to multiple women attacking the very few “good men” in the world? It just wouldn’t balance out.

So here I am, “randomly” in love with a douche. My heart aches for him, and it doesn’t matter what anyone says, or what I do, I know my heart will always come a live, with the mere thought of him. It is this unexplainable magnetism, or electric trigger, that snaps me into such vulnerability and utter stupidity. I know I may sound dim witted on this site, after all, I continuously ride this merry go round of “love horror” and choose to remain riding it. Most professionals whould label such an idiot, codependent. Call me what you want, but when you meet someone who makes you feel as I feel, there is no denying, this person is not some random jerk. In case I didn’t get my memo, it reads, ” Sorry princess, your sould mate is a moronic flake.”

Most people have trouble losing. It is some how coded in our dna that losers are only for losers. This causes most to take matters into their own hands and disregard the feelings of love an replace them with practical matters that society regards as “happiness, and success”. The perfect man, the nice cars, the luxury vacations, etc.

In modern society, Love has become a verb, and is defined not by how you feel, but what you will do, and what they will do for you. I actually just recently stumbled past an adorable children’s book at the bookstore titled, “I love you because….” Each page was filled with reasons why the mouse loved another mouse, and as cute as it was, it made me think, “This is such a messed up message to send children”. It is basically stating, love is something you can earn. Something you can essentially buy. If you do x, y, or z, then I will love you? Really?

My ex, is a sorry soul. I love him so dearly for an unknown reason. The moment I met him, my heart unknowingly opened up, and it was a connection that cannot be explained. Its like my heart knew him before I did. Its like, my heart loved him, despite my brain choosing not to. He is the kind of guy who values unimportant things, and fake people. He is lost, and causing his own failures and pain. All I can do is watch, and continuosuly live in pain and unrelenting disappointment as my “partner” blindly lives a life of misdirection. I want to help, but I do not know what I can do. Certain aspects of life can only be accomplished and learned on their own, and I believe this is one of them. Love is not some magic potion that fixes all your problems or makes you a better person. Love is a gift in its ability to make you “LIVE” . It intrigues me how similar the word LOVE and Live are. If you add I to Love it means you LIVE, and this belief speaks true to me. Despite a billion and one reasons why I SHOULD leave my ex for good, I cannot simply because the level of love I have for him, far exceeds his stupidity. So, what now? How is one to live, realizing the man she loves will possibly never make her happy? This is where I am at now. The things I seek now, are to give love. I don’t know if I ever will recieve it like others do. Life just never worked out for me like that. I want to be one of the few people who stay real, speak the truth, and help the world because they really want to rather than some political agenda. I know this all must sound cheezy and some fake blogger who is portraying herself as some kind of mother teresa. I know it may be hard to believe, but the purest form of happiness is to “give” love. My painful experiences has taught me how meaningless so many things we cherish are, simply because non of them make you happy when you are in a desperate situation. Love, “thankfulness” and a pure heart, are the golden gifts to cherish, because these are the things that helped me survive my traumatic heart break.
-xo

Ignore Attempt: FAIL

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Okay, so I just blogged a couple hours ago about my new genius plan to ignore my ex’s flaky way and see what would happen? Well, turns out he had sent me through skype a “kiss face” and losing all grasp to my brilliant plan, I respond, “are you there?” Of course he is no longer there, leaving myself being “ignored” again. If I would have stopped there, it would have still been okay, but then I emailed him, “Hey just saw your message on skype, can you come online?” I mean like, “what?” How many flavors of stupid can I be? Of course, no response, and now I have successful been ignored 3 times in a day. Serious fail. bleh. Need a drink. Too bad I only have water or apple juice. gnite.

Same Guy = Same Problems

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So my ex and I are talking again. Of course, in many ways it is like a dream. We click in such an unexplainable way. Normally, two years apart changes people in such away that awkwardness and space can not be avoided. However, with my ex and me,its like nothing has changed and two years apart never existed. Sounds great?
Well, not exactly. According to Albert Einstein, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
My ex, and me had a whole truckload of problems, and guess what? They are still there. Normally, this is the moment that most would just throw in the towel and say, “No way. I’m not doing this again.” However, thinking a second outside the box, what if Einstein has a point. I have always behaved exactly the same, and ended in the exact same place. What if I change what I “normally do”, and reverse it? Would that get me different results? I’m intrigued.
For example, one of the biggest problems I have with my ex is his lack of ability to keep promises. He will say, “I will email on Thursdays, or call you at 10…etc”, but he is quite flaky. However, this is where our characters clash. I am the type who keeps all promises, comes exactly on time, and feels awful if I back out on my word. This is my mind set and when he forgets, or doesn’t give a *beep* it hurts my feelings a lot, and I take it very personally. This lead to lack of trust, and ultimately, my explosion of panic attacks. (Panic attacks disappeared after we broke up) I can remember countless nights when he promised to call me, while he was partying because he knew I worried about his promiscuity. Did he? Sometimes he did, but several times he did not, and mysteriously his phone would shut off. This of course would lead me in a spiral down to multiple panic attacks, and a night of desperate texts and messages on his phone that constantly clicked to voicemail. Gosh, such a pathetic and desperate memory of myself. Anyways, these events would always lead me to be out of control, jump to conclusions, and attack him. Even just today, he promised to send me an email scheduling a phone chat tomorrow. Did he? Nope. The girl I was two years ago would have called his cell phone and yelled at him or send him a mean email by now. Did I? Not this time, too predictable, been there done that. I’ve decided to try the “silent” method, and pull back. I’m curious to see if changing my own actions will show a different side to him. Interesting.
In the past, I have always made myself available to him, and waited around for his conveniences. This time it is going to be different. Truthfully, the hardest part is the risk I take. The fact is, I love him, and miss him a lot. I do fear, by ignoring him, he will just disappear, but, honestly, if I do exactly what we normally do, it ends badly 100% every time. Anyways, I’ll give it a try and keep you guys updated…
xo -me