Okay, so I just blogged a couple hours ago about my new genius plan to ignore my ex’s flaky way and see what would happen? Well, turns out he had sent me through skype a “kiss face” and losing all grasp to my brilliant plan, I respond, “are you there?” Of course he is no longer there, leaving myself being “ignored” again. If I would have stopped there, it would have still been okay, but then I emailed him, “Hey just saw your message on skype, can you come online?” I mean like, “what?” How many flavors of stupid can I be? Of course, no response, and now I have successful been ignored 3 times in a day. Serious fail. bleh. Need a drink. Too bad I only have water or apple juice. gnite.
Today is a bit hard for me. I never know when or why this wave of gloom seems to pay me a visit. It just comes and goes as it pleases, and I have learned to deal with it.
It is such a heavy feeling. It makes it quite difficult to go about my day to day affairs, and I find myself gasping for air as I hold the pain in my chest. The only thing that gives me relief is when tears finally fall down my face. I have no control in the matter. It makes no sense. Nothing triggered the emotion. I had a rather productive and “lucky” day regarding financial matters, and almost like a click of a switch, my heart grew heavy. There is no logic in the matter, there never is.
As I wrote yesterday, everyday is a battle for me. Some days are extremely, productive and high energy, but without warning, this “heaviness” can attack me as well. I have learned to just take my battles one at a time, and for the really hard moments, just cry it out. I promise you everything is always more manageable after a good cry and nap.
My mind set has completely changed. Most importantly, I no longer think failure is those who “lose”, but those who quit. “Losing” is something you cannot control. As long as you try your best the rest is not in your hands. The key moment is after failure. How you chose to react to it, is the true test of life. You see, life is not a disconnected series of events, where you win or lose. All events are linked like a series of chapters that create your story. Every result, creates a link to your next step, and with that comes life choices. We can never really know if our decisions are the right ones or the wrong ones, but is there really such a thing? Life is life, and as long as you try your best and never give up, you will end up where you belong.
“It has been a rough year, but the good news is, I got to eat a lot of Pizza.” Me
Over the course of a year, I have become quite a master of “comforting myself”. lol.( Currently, chuckling at how desperate that just sounded.) Anyways, when your days are filled with tears and heart ache, ANYTHING that makes it even a tiny bit better, is worth considering.
Here are My Top 7 Tips
1.) Cuddly Blanket
The concept is pretty much the same as a kid sleeping with a “blankie”. lol. I snuggle with my ultra plush blanket every night, and it brings me so much comfort. I can’t explain why, but it works!
Candles are extremely relaxing and if you can find a scent you love, it really becomes such a treat to spend a part of your day next to one.
3.) Bath Bombs
Even if you are not a bath person, trust me when I tell you nothing soothes your nerves like a warm bath with bath products. The key is to find a smell you like, dim the lights in your bathroom, and enjoy.
4.) Vloggers on Youtube
Vloggers are something I discovered right after my break up. I honestly did not know such things existed but now a days anything is possible. Anyway, vloggers are people who document their lives daily, and post them on YouTube.
The family I like to watch are called, SACCONEJOLYs and they live in Ireland. You can’t imagine how much it helped me to watch them throughout this year. I know it sounds a bit creepy, to watch people’s lives you do not know, but for my situation it was perfect! The fact is, I cut off all my friendships and had absolutely no social life, so watching vloggers, feels like you have a “friend” amd their little baby girl, Emilia is soooooo CUTE!
SACCONEJOLYs find them on Youtube
Emilia the cutest baby in the World!
These are their 6 dogs!
Start a hobby that excites you. Don’t worry about how crazy it might be or strange. The more new something feels, the less you relate to your past.
Force yourself to take a walk or a simply do some sit ups, and release those happy endorphins!
6.) Green Tea
Every morning the first thing I drink is a Big cup of really thick green tea. It is the most comforting drink I know, and according to research, it is proven to prevent heart disease, cancer, etc. It is actually proven to reduce stress, and anxiety, even acne!
When all else Fails….CHOCHLATE!! If you can depend on anything, chochlate is always there…..lol
Warning….may make you fat if repeated too many times.
Right now, I am in that horrible moment of pain and fear. Normally, my blogs are always encouraging and motivational, but today I decided to blog when I am in a much different state.
So it’s like this. It is 3 am, and I am lying in bed. I can’t sleep and I am on the verge of tears. Every time it happens I don’t understand. Having had it happen so many times, I don’t even bother to make sense of it, It is such an intense feeling of sadness, that comes whenever it feels like. It has a mind of its own, And I’ve learned to coexist with it.
I miss him. The closest way to describe it, is my soul wanting to reach him. I don’t really have anything to say or the need to write him or see him, but the intensity of sadness still comes like a tsunami. Normally, these days I have been great. I practice ballet everyday, I have orchestra rehearsals, and feel quite alright. They are all good signs, normally meaning I am moving on and getting over it, but it doesn’t feel like it. My soul hasn’t moved on. It still searches for him wanting him. It is such a unbelievable feeling of loneliness. I know, everyone believes I should go out, and meet people and socialize, I mean it has been over a year. However, I just can’t. It makes me miss him more when I socialize with people, and it’s something no one really understands. The only thing that gives me some peace, is being a lone. I am in a relationship with me, and this too can drive you half mad. I am constantly thinking, and wondering how so many people can live a life so misguided. Partly jealous of their ignorance, and total bliss. I remember back to the days when I would buy a pair of Gucci pumps, twirl in front of a mirror and do a little runway walk. Absolutely, carefree, ridiculously simple minded, but totally happy. Now, I live a life of constant reflection, and questions of purpose, quality and reasoning. Everything in life now has a meaning, a reason and a purpose. My mother finds me completely dull and tunes out all of my philosophical jargon. She calls me boring, and worries no man will ever marry such a crazy over thinker.
The sad thing is, I don’t care. What is marriage if your heart is still so completely attached to someone else? The truth is I know I’m at that age where the clock is ticking, and I should have babies. I am aware all women are not like men, and the window of opportunity is less as we age. I of course would love to have a baby and be a mother,but where my heart is right now, it is not possible for me. It is gradually coming to my realization a life with a family, and the comfort of “people’s love” may not be in my destiny. Please do not read this post as a pity fest. I do not feel sorry for myself in any way. Everything has its reason, and perhaps It is my destiny to wander the earth alone serving the work of God. I know it is still possible that I am struck with love again, , but if not, ONE time was more than enough.