Okay, so I just blogged a couple hours ago about my new genius plan to ignore my ex’s flaky way and see what would happen? Well, turns out he had sent me through skype a “kiss face” and losing all grasp to my brilliant plan, I respond, “are you there?” Of course he is no longer there, leaving myself being “ignored” again. If I would have stopped there, it would have still been okay, but then I emailed him, “Hey just saw your message on skype, can you come online?” I mean like, “what?” How many flavors of stupid can I be? Of course, no response, and now I have successful been ignored 3 times in a day. Serious fail. bleh. Need a drink. Too bad I only have water or apple juice. gnite.
Lessons learned from Heartbreak:
Lesson 10: 2 of Me
Heartbreak has taught me there are 2 versions of myself. There is me alone, and me when I was with my ex. I have heard about the standard loss of identity when you are with someone you fancy, but I didn’t have any of the classic symptoms.
I was very cautious to keep my identity, and refused to be with someone I would have to change for. I was opinionated, and constantly battling my ex with his atheist views, and was never scared to speak my mind. We debated everything from politics to pop culture. I never considered his opinions on how I dressed, and just did my thing. So in my book I thought I had done a good job in protecting my identity. However, when I found myself horribly crushed in a billion pieces, I realized the person I was, at that moment was the real me.
The difference between the girl with the boyfriend and the girl sitting crying in the corner of her room was one was in denial and one was living the truth. When he left me, all my weaknesses were exposed. All my emotional baggage from all kinds of places, came crashing down and my weak foundation was exposed. When I was with him, I distracted a lot of MY problems on issues I had with him. I thought he made me stronger, but it was quite the opposite. I was like a little girl hanging on to her daddy’s sleeve on the first day of preschool, and I was simply running from myself. With him, I was confident, but this wasn’t confidence at all. It was just a distraction from the fear of facing the world alone. Fear from answering what MY purpose on this earth would be. Fear on figuring out my life all about me. It was as if, a million mirrors were now pointing at me, and I was faced to deal with my issues. I learned at this moment, Love is a very strong force, and it strips you bare. As raw as you are it gives you the opportunity to recognize yourself. Face to face, just you and yourself.
When I am alone, I hear my inner voice. We all have it, it’s that voice that gives it’s opinion on just about everything. When I was with him, my inner voice was fading, and instead of listening to her, I would call him. I feasted on conversations with him, and neglected conversations with myself. I thought I knew exactly who I was, but the truth is, I don’t. Even now, it is a learning process, but being alone is the most fantastic time to figure it out.
Lessons Learned From Heartbreak
Lesson 7: Heartbreak drains you. Not to mention your confidence is shattered, and your life feels like a jumbled mess. You want to regain control. You want to fix your stituation, but you have no idea how. If you are not crying all day, you are thinking about the same negative thoughts that bring you right back to where you started.
This was a hard time in my life. Especially since my mom had no idea why, or what I was going through. I was so desperate for help, but I had no idea where to get it. Normally, I would have gone out with friends for drinks, but this time was different. This time, something felt so final for me, I withdrew from all social contact. I just wanted to be alone. I sulked in my little cocoon of self pity, for a good couple of months. I went a little crazy, and I still had no clue how to get better.
I searched for answers. I reached out to some people. Nothing helped me feel better. One thing that always helped me feel better was blogging. I decided to write about what I was going through and it was the first thing that helped me. Each post, I grew a little stronger. Each comment I received gave me a smile. I started to play piano again, and make music, it made me feel better about myself. I started school again, and it gave me confidence. I started to dress up again, and I felt pretty. I walked a little taller, and held my head a little higher.
Before I knew it, I was learning I had the power to make a change. I was moving step by step, and day by day I grew further from my heartache. Each day I was steps closer to my future, to the person I was meant to be. All along I was searching outside for someone or something to make me feel better, but the answer was always within me. Take small steps to move yourself forward. Believe it or not, you have the power to make a change in yourself.