It has been a very long time, and I have been thinking so many thoughts these days. I figured, what better place than here, to purge my deepest thoughts.
What does it mean to love someone?
First of all, LOVE is a crazy thing!
At least for me, it has been quite a crazy ride. It forces you to learn so many lessons about yourself and demand a higher character level.
This is the thing that nobody talks about, and I wish someone would have given me a heads up.
When you fall in love you become crazy. lol. Literally. Im serious.
We all have differing degrees of ‘love crazy’, and it is largely correlated with all your pre-existing baggage. Love enhances all your emotions, and energies: good or bad.
For example, my dad left when I was 8 years old. I never saw my Dad much again, and now we have no contact. The funny thing is, he was never an active dad and when he left, I never felt much sadness. I was a very good kid and never rebelled or showed signs of a broken home. I was always very independent, positive, and forward thinking. My life felt complete and rather happy.
However, everything changed when I fell in love.
Of course it always starts out with the GOOD stuff. The wonderful, beautiful memories of finally meeting the person who SEES you completely and loves you. They SEE you for you and the soul you have. You bond on the deepest level, and this shatters you. It shatters all the fake walls you have built through out the years to protect yourself. All of it is torn down and you experience this powerful bond with another human. The world literally glows through your eyes but it is terrifying, because you feel naked.Exposed.
I was a mess. The more I loved, the more I feared abandonment or betrayal. I was crazy jealous, and it didn’t help that ‘my guy’ had a scandalous past. Its funny how your soul pair, “sometimes” can be everything that pisses you off. Everything you were brought up to believe is wrong, or “not love”. I had TERRIBLE anxiety, and thought I was losing my mind. Always testing him to see if he really loved, and always feeling disappointed. Almost everyone, including myself, believed the only problem was my guy.
This is when you are tested. Some people who had a near perfect childhood may not have the slightest problem with fear of abandonment or betrayal. I have seen such couples, who easily love, and respect each other. People only talk about these “perfect” couples, and it makes everyone acting like a crazy fool, think they are in some “codependent, abusive” relationship. When the reality is, YOU are messed up and most likely the person you are with is messed up. The only way a messed up person can live peacefully, without fixing their mess, is if they are with someone does not love them nor someone they love either. Why? Because love, triggers your demons.
Then what do you do?
What you have to do, is not run from your problems. Stop blaming your partner and start looking at yourself. Understand that most love relationships are MESSY.. They are not DISNEY FAIRYTALES. Think more a long the lines of Shakespeare and the mess that creates a magnificent love story.
If you want a life “in love” you must face your demons, and FIX THEM. IF you don’t FIX THEM, the relationship with BREAK. You both must, become better people who learn to control fears, and anxieties that are effecting your entire life and learn to RESPECT love. LOVE IS A BATTLE FIELD. Everyday, it is a fight to keep it going and not give up on myself and each other. This love has never been easy, but I can confidently say, it has made me a better person.