You know how people say when you fall in love it is just easy? Well..everything about my relationship has been difficult from the day it started, and some ten + yrs later it is still horribly painful and difficult. I do not doubt I am in love with him, because the only reason I stay is because of that love. However, for the first time, I am feeling like I want to leave.
I am tired. Tired of crying. Tired of worrying. Tired of apologizing for things just to appease the relationship. I want to feel like my feelings matter, and not to be written off as psychotic girl drama. But, in this relationship, I have realized, the only way it works is if he gets to do exactly what he wants, and I keep my mouth shut. Unfortunately, I do have a big mouth, and it doesn’t stay shut for very long. This leads to volatile arguments, and my anxiety shooting through the roof. My panic attacks, are increasingly worse, and sometimes they are so bad, it leads to nose bleeds and coughing blood.
I would never want to be the type to give up on a person that I believe to be my soulmate, but there is this other girl. She has been in the background since the beginning of our relationship and she has confessed her love for my bf twice, that I know of. She has positioned herself in a powerful position befriending his brother, best friends and parents. Basically, she will always be around, and my anxiety will never have peace. She is one of those girls with a “reputation” for sleeping with everyone. She has slept with many of his friends, acquaintances, married men, and even having an abortion with another married man. She is bad news, and girls like that never fight fair. They are cowards. Being the “convenient ” girl who demands nothing and offers anything. They lie to get whatever they want, and easily become “someones’ dirty little secret”. I never had any solid proof that my bf cheated on me, but I do know they had sex twice when we were broken up. I am not so naive to say he did not cheat on me, but even if he didn’t, just her presence is enough to make me break out into hives. But, what can I do? She is best friends with his brother and his best friends?! There is nothing I can say without being outcasted as the villain. It is a formula calculated to blow up in my face. The only way to find peace is to leave. Does this make me courageous, or am I giving up? Im just so tired of this life. Crying alone in corners of rooms, and forcing smiles to get through torturous days, I just want to have a moment of peace. Can I find peace alone?