Okay, so I just blogged a couple hours ago about my new genius plan to ignore my ex’s flaky way and see what would happen? Well, turns out he had sent me through skype a “kiss face” and losing all grasp to my brilliant plan, I respond, “are you there?” Of course he is no longer there, leaving myself being “ignored” again. If I would have stopped there, it would have still been okay, but then I emailed him, “Hey just saw your message on skype, can you come online?” I mean like, “what?” How many flavors of stupid can I be? Of course, no response, and now I have successful been ignored 3 times in a day. Serious fail. bleh. Need a drink. Too bad I only have water or apple juice. gnite.
Okay. So probably no one will believe this post today. I mean, heck, I wouldn’t believe it if it didn’t happen to me. I would probably think it was some desperate blogger trying to rack up views, and create an “interesting” story.
So believe it or not, I’m going to write about it. Largely, because I have a terrible memory and writing it down will help me retain, and process what just happened to me.So weird.
Today, I went shopping to the mall, while my mom went to get her hair done. I bought a couple necklaces at the zara sale, and then my mom picked me up. Anyways, we then went to another store where, I then decided to return to the mall to return one of my necklaces. On the way out, I got an urge to get a coffee, and then this rather pretty, young women, started to speak to me about “a guy” “and he really does love you” “call me”. First, I was, SUPER weirded out. I was like, Excuse me? Do I know you? She then proceeded to say, “I need to give you a reading, there is a guy and he loves you very much but someone in his family is jealous of him and wants to break you guys up” after she said this all bets were off, my mouth dropped to the floor, and I was like, what?! OMG. She then was like, let me give you a reading, and I told her ” I’m sorry, I really have NO money. Which I didn’t because my mom literally just dropped me off to return the Zara necklace. Anyways, she told me its fine, I really need to speak to you and its important, so she directed me to two chairs at the far side of the coffee place. She then started to speak about my ex and how he is my twin flame. I literally gasped when she said this because I had already assumed this 2 years ago when our relationship was a volatile combination of heaven and hell, but I just never spoke about it to anyone besides my ex, and this very “private” blog. After she said twin flames, I was intrigued how much more she could read me, so I just continued to listen. She told me I have a very dark energy over my head and it is coming from the pain in my heart and that I had given up on happiness all together. Which is true. She also knew about my problems sleeping, but of course that could also be pretty obvious with the bags under my eyes. She then proceeded to talk to me about the fact that there were people who are jealous of our relationship, and are a driving wedge in our relationship. Which struck a chord with me, because his younger brother use to have a crush on me and told a very big lie to my ex about how i wanted to kiss him, and he could have had me if he had wanted to. Which is the BIGGEST lie in the world! Nevertheless, it caused a huge trust issue on his part about my feelings for him. She then told me, both of us are not the people we “should” be because of the “negative place” our relationship has become. She even knew my ex’s career had declined since our break and started to tell me he has started to self destruct. In fact she even knew he is living without a soul, and has been very misguided for awhile,a “lost soul”. Which was AMAZING, because I had written on this blog many times, that he is spiritually very lost and constantly doubts the existence of a soul. She then told me, I on the other hand am very spiritual, but she fears I have given up on happiness in it’s entirety. This was true, and was really a hard moment for me, and I nearly cried. She told me, I can tell you are now comfortable with “pain” and you do not eve desire “happiness” but she said to me I must want it again. She said, this heavy cloud over me, is pushing away positive energies, and attracting negative one’s. She said I must be with my ex, and he is very faithful to me and loyal. Which was a BIG thing to hear because I always struggled with my suspicions while we were together. She said we need each other, and pushing each other away is negative for our lives. However, she said my “dark cloud of pain” will prevent us from being together, and will be the cause of our break, every single time. So of course, I am thinking, “Tell Me What To Do?”
She then started by saying she needs to give me a full reading where she will find the cause of this “darkness” whether it from a past life, or from something that happened to me, then she said she would need a handwritten sample, and a picture of my ex, and this all had to be done by tomorrow, for a one time, discounted, great deal, low price of just $80! lol. Ok. So finally got the hook, and she obviously was trying to reel me in as a new client. Don’t get me wrong, she is AMAZING! I am one of the biggest skeptics in the world and she read me like some mystical magician! I believe she has super powers, and I was “meant” to hear the words she spoke to me today. Everything was too powerful and meaningful to me to be left as a simple, scam or trick. 99% of me was and is dying to have her just HELP ME make all my problems go away. However the other 1% is a very powerful percentage that debates the importance of not becoming dependent on a healer, or a psychic, and living your life as you are “told” will bring happiness, or the “correct” outcome. For me, my importance lies in the decisions I make from my own will, strength, and soul. They may bring me unhappiness, failure and pain, but it at least will not cheat me, “the process of “trying” and “living” my life without an answer key.
Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond appreciative of all the things she has told me today, and I will cherish our conversation as some mystical, surreal, encounter, that I will never fully understand, explain, or forget.
However, I do believe there comes a point in every situation when you, must shut that pandora’s box, and walkaway. Of course the temptation is huge to sneak a peak at the end of the book, and see how things will end. However, the meaning of my life is to “live”, and making my own mistakes is part of that journey. Success, and happiness, is not my belief as the purpose of one’s life. Just as a good book is not determined by the level of how successful or happy the character ends up, a good life is also not based on the positive life, but the complexity and growth of the character itself.
wow. this post took a heavy turn into a direction i didn’t predict. sorry about the disappearance of capital letters where they belong, and probably several grammatical errors. it’s very late or i guess very early in the morning and i am delusional. i literally can’t even remember what i just wrote. take care friend. gnite.
So it’s late now, and of course this means I’m alone with my thoughts, and frustrations, making me want to rant.
Topic of the moment: Sluts
Listen, I am not one to use bad language, and I do not believe anyone should be demoralized as a “slut” if they are not. However, if it quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, and tastes like a duck, it’s a freaken DUCK.
In other words, some girls/guys really deserve the title, “slut”. This is the physical act of sleeping with anyone, and everyone. Sex is acted as a physical form of pleasure, and to them, it really doesn’t matter who it is with.
So why does that bother me and make me want to rant in the wee hours of the morning? Simple. The guy I love is a slut. When he left me, he told me it was for his sanity and it was crucial for him to focus on his career. Did he do that? Nope. Basically he left our relationship of 8 years, acted like a slut and hooked up with sluts. This not only adds salt to a already bloody wound, but it is topped off by insults and questions.
I think of sluts like fast food. They are fast, cheap, pleasureable, and regrettable. It personally makes me feel sick and insulted that, somehow, in the mix of the “time” battle, I lost and they won. He left me to spend time with them? Ouch. I know that “logically” he is the idiot, but in my heart it is still another gash into my bloody heart. I mean, after all, a battle lost is a battle lost. However, how can a good girl beat a slut at her game?
My ex will never admit to it, but there was always this girl, who by the way, was once in love with him and they had hooked up right before we got together. Anyways, she was always around him during our relationship. Even going as far as becoming best friends with his younger brother! Married, single, friends, you name it she slept with them. Not to mention she even had an abortion with a married man. To top it off she is not attractive at all. However, she still managed to be the girl that caused me the most suspicision, pain and insecurity in my entire relationship with my ex. It is pathetic and humiliating that I felt such a character is “competition” but the truth of the matter is, sluts don’t fight fair. They are all ice cream and cake, and I am left serving broccoli and spinach, because I “care”. They are all fun, and games, with no rules, responsibility, or obligations. I always assumed my ex left me for her once I moved back to the States. I mean, they were hanging out a lot the week he dumped me.
Anyways, fast forward two years later, and back into present tense. I asked him, if he had gotten in a relationship with her since we had broken up. He denied it, but said he had slept with her once but it meant nothing. For me, it was heart wrenching, because,a) I don’t believe him and b) of all people, NOT her! Not to mention she has been there all this time. Before me, during me, and after me. She is like this creepy leech that will never let go. Clearly, she won and… Okay, I think I’m going to start crying.
Anyways, Life is eternally painful for me. I love this idiot, despite the fact that I will never really get anything back from him. People promise you that the person you love will Love you back, and you will live this “happily ever after”. Well, I am here to tell you that Is a bunch of crap. I love this man who I know loves me, but thats not enough to have a relationship. Society constantly mixes up the two, but if you want a long, successful relationship with the person you love, you have to want love and want to grow up and do the “right” things. I honestly, do not believe my ex wants love, and finds his weaknesses for me as a nusiance. I make him feel something, and that’s annoying. I tell him things he doesn’t want to hear because I love and care for him, but that is inconvenient and makes him blame me for his problems. Life is not as simple as it is made out to be. Love may be eternal, but the ability to remain together, takes work and maturity.
Sluts make it harder for love to survive, especially with men who have brains in their nuts.
RANT ENDS. goodnight.
So here I am, the heartbreak girl. lol. I can laugh now, but that’s only because I use it as a coping mechanism for pain. Anyways, recently my ex sent me a short message to me, leading up to two very long conversations, and some emails.
If you do not know the back story, he basically dumped me 2 years ago, after I moved away.We were best friends for 4 years and then followed that with another 4 tumultuous years as a couple. Heartbroken as I was, I wrote my bloody tears down on this blog and basically isolated myself from the world.
Cut forward two years later, and it turns out my ex, does love me, or so he says. However, he was not single, in fact had two relationships and a million hookups, but says he could not “forget me”, no matter how hard he tried.
The crazy thing is, I believe him. Maybe partly because my heart wants to, but the thing is, his description of pain sounds familiar to what I went through. Of course he reacted in the negative and used drugs, alcohol, and women to drive his career to nowhere land, while I embraced my pain, became bitter but empowered, and now with a thriving career.
So are we back together? Nope. lol. Why I laugh? I don’t know, but the only way to deal with the shrill pain of it, is to find humor in my ridiculous situation. Anyways, so I guess, he is considering marrying me, just not now. The funny thing is, I have matured a lot in these two years, and yet he sounds exactly the same as I left him. Still hopelessly selfish, immature, and running away from me. Unfortunately for me, he is the man I love, and it seems I haven’t much choice. However, a girl can get wise, grow up, and see things for what it is.
Firstly, let’s get real, I don’t see him ever really committing to me. Although, I do believe he may “want” to. I am proud to say, I am not that girl anymore who is waiting around for his call, or text. I have a life now, and it is completely my own, and that in itself is amazing! In my heart he is #1, but in my life he is like # 157 or some other random number.
Let me explain. Before, I would drop anything to be with him, or adjust to him. He was #1 in my life. This is what I thought one should do in a relationship or when you love someone. Not the case. Always, love yourself first. I know this idea is viewed as selfish or wrong somehow, but lets face it, at the very end of all tough situations, most often “YOU” is all you’ve got. At least in my situation, depending on “people”, has never worked out for me. I have my list of things I must do, and after all is checked off, then and only then do I leave room for my “ex”.
I love him, and it’s complicated. But honestly, he is the most amazing person to talk to for me. We have such intellectual conversations, and our opposite world mentality creates challenging debates, and it really invigorates my soul….I guess, I don’t know what I want anymore. I do feel strongly that he is someone special enough to keep contact and have in my life. Perhaps, a friendship? Ideally, of course I would love to be with him, but honestly, relationships call for “social maturity” and ethical morality, and currently he has very little of each.
I know I will always love him. Let’s face it, we all have that one guy/girl that just has your heart forever. My heart was given to him long ago, but I’m stronger now, and I don’t “need” him to survive. Before he felt like my air, and without him I would die. Not true. Believe it or not, one can live and survive without the person you love. In fact once you learn how, it is extremely empowering and gives you the confidence of being able to conquer most anything.
I learned a valuable lessons in these past two years. The fact that I love him, did remain constant, but believe it or not, loving him is a very small part of who I am. Discovering that part of me that belongs solely to me has allowed me to grow in ways I never knew existed. Take care guys, Im sure I will be ranting here more often.
Today, I have been inspired to write about what it was like meeting, loving, and parting from my twin flame. I wrote a post a long time ago, titled,”14 signs of a Twin Flame” and for some reason, it has blown up all over the internet. I get hundreds of views everyday, on just this one post, and my numbers continue to grow. My belief is, large amounts of people are dealing with these same feelings or experiences as I have. For those of you who actually have followed my blog from the start, will know, this whole blog is basically my outlet to cope with parting with my greatest love of my life and the lessons I learned from it.
Here is my story:
I am a violinist: I first studied in New york, and then Germany. I was very unhappy at the music school in Germany and my german friend I met in New york, helped me score an audition in Belgium.
This is where my story begins. My ex, or Mr. X as I will refer to him, was the first person I met. He had his lesson right after my audition, and since he was my teachers best student, he was eager to show him off to me. He asked me to stay and watch and I remember, the feeling was very strange. It wasn’t, “love at first sight”, it was more like, a bond, as if we had met before. I remembered he played, Mendelssohn violin Concerto, and he was wearing a white shirt with sneakers.
When I entered the conservatory that September, we would bump into the halls casually but it was not some electric chemistry where I felt any attraction to him, but again, I was extremely comfortable with him. I remember the first conversation we had, he had asked me if we had met before, and I laughed, thinking, absolutely not, I grew up in the US and there was just no way. At the time he was dating another girl at the Conservatory, and from what I thought at the time, they were a “cute couple”. She was also a violinist, and a very nice girl. We all studied with the same professor, so we became “casual” friends.
My friendship with Mr. X was very unique, and something I never imagined would evolve the way it did. For the first 3 years, I would bump into him randomly around school, but quite rarely. However, when we did, it was like meeting an old friend, this was odd for both of us because we are both not “open” people,and rather introverted. We both kept the doors closed to most people, but from the start it was easy to speak from a very truthful and deep place. I can remember one time, he asked me to go for a walk with him. It was very random, but I said yes, and we just talked about everything. Things from our childhood, and personal memories, very random conversation, but never awkward. From the start, we could talk to each other for hours. It wasn’t romantic, not even a little. I was not attracted to him in a “romantic” way and he wasn’t either, but somehow we were very close.
After 3 years of friendship, he broke up with his girl friend, and started hooking up with other girls, nothing serious just fun. It didn’t bother me at all, but our friendship began to grow. He started calling me more and more, to the point we were talking everyday. One day, he called me out of the blue, and asked me if I wanted to go to Paris with him the next day, because he would be performing a concert there. Normally, I would never say yes to such a spontaneous request, but I could never say no to him for some reason. I can still remember the cute little french church he gave his concert in! it was about a 2 hr drive from Belgium, but it was so much fun talking. By the time the concert was done, it was late but I can remember he was so eager to show my the Eiffel tower, and Notre Dame. We had a cute little dessert in a French Cafe near Notre Dame. I remember I had a creme brulee, and I can’t remember what he had, lol, I guess I was too busy on my creme brulee. Anyways, afterwards, we walked to Notre Dame, and on the bridge, he looked to me and said, “The only thing that would make this night more perfect would be a kiss.” Unfortunately for him, I burst into laughter, and said, too bad you came with me, right? After that, I went home for the summer and thought nothing of that night, Later he would reveal to me that was the moment for him, that he knew he loved me.
After that night, I hd noticed, something had changed a little, he became quieter, and more closed. I was still clueless, but one night he was acting so weird, I begged him to tell me what was wrong, I remember that night so well, he was nervous and fidgety, he finally stopped his car in front of my apartment, and gathered enough courage to tell me he liked me. I told him, “ya..I like you too, we are best friends remember? He responded nervously, “No. I really like you, I mean more than friends”. I was shocked, speechless, and unable to return his affection, my Brain still didnt know I too had loved him. The rejection was very hard on him, and after that confrontation, our friendship quickly soured to the point we had a huge fight over the most silly things. We didn’t contact for 6 months, and it was the worst 6 months of my life. It was at this time I realized I had feelings for him. I coudn’t get him out of my heart or head. He was constantly on my mind, and I would even cry some days. It was the strangest reaction, I felt I was either losing my mind, or this must be love.
One day, I was so sad, I went out for a walk, and came across an adorable card. It reminded me of Mr.X and his Birthday was approaching. I didn’t buy it with the intention to give it to him, but I was so sad that day, I just bought it because it reminded me of him. I filled out the card sealed it, and carried it with me. I don’t know why. Anyways, A couple days later, I bumped into his brother at school. I though about giving him the card to give to his brother but I chickened out. When I got home, I decided, I should have given him the card, and headed write back. I promised myself, if I bumped into his brother again, I would give him the card. I know this will be hard to believe, but his brother literally as I was walking back came driving by. It was pure coincidence, and of course I took it as a sign. I gave him the card, and Mr. X sent me a reply on Facebook a couple days later.
You would think after everything, I would tell you happily ever after. I knew I loved him, he knew he loved me, what could go wrong? The answer is, everything. After I realized I loved him, when we got back together we didn’t immediately become a couple. He was so loving to me, and so understanding, but I was scared to love him. I was never more scared in my life, to “need” someone so much was terrifying. I still tried to remain just friends for another 6 months until finally, we had our first kiss.
After the kiss, there was no going back. It was the most unbelievable feeling of my life.It was as if our souls bonded together, and I never wanted to let him go. Every kiss after that day, was always a confirmation, he was my soul partner. I could hate him bitterly, but as soon as he touched me, or kissed me, or even just a hug, I never wanted him to let me go.
Finally, I knew I couldn’t fight it anymore, but I still did. My mom, was against me dating him, and she felt he was not suited for me. I tried again, to not be together, but it wasn’t possible.
From the start of our relationship has always been on and off. In the beginning it was always my fault. I was so scared, I always tried to find ways to get out of loving him so much. He was the rock, and always loved me, and took care of me, an listened to me. Sometimes, I would think to myself, he must really love me, to take all this nonsense.
Later, I realized it wasn’t nonsense at all. The problem was, my twin flame and me are exactly alike but complete opposites. We are both, stubborn, and introverted, and have a problem admitting when we are wrong. We both are highly opinionated and yet our beliefs are as north and south as you could possibly get.
Arguing was our thing. The last two years it felt like all we did was argue. As twisted as this may sound, I even loved arguing with him. He was the only person in the world I was close enough with to argue so honestly of what I felt, or really believed. The problem is, you can’t really function with all this hostility. It was at this time I developed my Panic attacks. My dreams of becoming a violinist also became impossible, due to my anxiety. My friendships suffered, and we both knew this was not healthy for both of us, and yet we kept on trying because it was so hard to let go of each other. My health was suffering. I was constantly sick, and I would never get better. From hives, to migraines, to chest pains, to skin rashes, one thing led to another. I was also suicidal at times, and I cannot believe Im admitting it now, but I was. I finally made a desperate decision to leave Belgium, and go back home. Even after all this, Mr. X and me tried to make it work. The last day I saw him was at the airport in Brussels. I look back and remember him watching me leave into the gates, and just staring, but with eyes I had never seen, Its really as if in some deeper level he knew it would be the last time.
We still attempted to keep our relationship going for another 3 months, long distance, but it grew increasingly hard for both of us. Until one day, he told me he wanted to end it. I was shocked, and devastated, but somehow I knew it had to happen as well. I wasn’t living anymore. I was just waiting around Skype, wanting to be with him. My brain knew I needed to break up as much as he did. He also was increasingly depressive, and his use of weed was increasing. He didn’t want to feel things anymore. One of my last conversations, we argued about the existence of a soul. He didn’t believe there was such a thing as a soul, but it was rather just the result of chemicals in the brain. It was his belief in the future scientist would be able to create a pill that could fix feelings of “love”.
For him, love was like a disease, and he wish he could be cured of me. It wasn’t convenient to care. For him, Love was in the way for what he really wants. He wants, fame, and career, and to have respect. He always felt I was what stood in his way.
For me, physically I am much better now. My panic attacks are less, even though I did just have one today, but I am otherwise in good health. I can function now, and I am able to think about things regarding my own dreams and desires. Lately, every job interview I attempt, I succeed, it is as if my luck has changed. However, everyday I am confirmed he is my soul partner. He is with me somehow. I realize it is such a weird thing to say, and only if you have felt it, would you understand what I mean. Me heart is literally broken, and I am an open wound. Every good or lucky thing that happens, is wonderful, but it somehow doesn’t mean as much. These mixed feeling have led me to a life of reflections, and realizing how wrong we are to put so much attention to things like money, fame, and power. I realize this because, none of these things can save you from a broken heart. The only thing that can save you and that matters is LOVE.
I first learned about Pandora’s Box as a young girl studying Greek Mythology. As I came across this story, now as a woman, it was interesting to me how the meaning had changed. Pandora’s box is about the daughter of Zeus who was forbidden to open a box. Of course curiosity takes over, and the box is opened, and Envy,Crime, Hate, and Disease are now set free into the world of humans.
As a child I related to this story as a lesson. A child who did not listen to her parents led to very bad and irreversible consequences. However, now as an adult, I relate to this story as more of a metaphor. The locked chest representing your heart, and the forbidding of opening it as a metaphor to fear of getting hurt. However, the power, desire or curiosity of love is too strong, and you decide to open it. From here your demons rush out. Insecurities, fears, from past, present, come rushing out. Level headed as you are, love is no match.
When I let love in, I was flooded with emotion and filled with confusion. Like a disease, I felt crippled by my magnified flaws.Like leaky holes in a foundation, I could feel I was crumbling, and finally I did. Mass destruction conquered me. However, just like in the story of Pandora’s box, there was one more thing left. A small bug, representing HOPE, made it’s appearance known, and it was clear. Everything would be okay. Hope is there to show you the way…
Lessons Learned from Heartbreak
Lesson 14: How to deal with Panic attacks
My panic attacks actually started during the last 2 years of my relationship. I actually didn’t even know what it was, I honestly thought I was dying. Here are some of my tips to get me through a horrible panic attack!
Tip 1: If you are having trouble breathing, open a window immediately, and if you can, splash water on your face. If you can barely catch your breath, and feel like you are choking, use a paper bag or plastic bag and breathe in and out. If your breathing is racing faster and faster, rub your chest in a circular motion and tell yourself you will be okay.
Tip 2: If you can’t stop shaking, immediately sit down or lie down. Breathe in and out slowly. My personal favorite is, clench your toes and and make fists in both hands and hold your breath for 10 slow seconds, and I guarantee it relaxes your shakes.
Tip 3: If you are overcome with intense fear and feel like there is no way out call a friend. If no one is available, make sure to turn all your lights on. Turn on the radio, Take a shower. If you cannot move, count to 1000 and believe when you hit 1000 everything will be okay.
Tip 4: If it happens in public, I know it is awful when this happens, but use this to your advantage. Do not go to the bathroom, it will only make it worse. Try to find cold water and a chair, and focus your attention on anything. I actually carry around with me a roller ball of lavender. I got it at l”occitane, and it is used to help you sleep, but it also works to relax you. There are also other natural relaxer scents at organic shops.
Tip 5: Prevention. Eat well, sleep well, and create a relaxing environment. Panic attacks are not really preventable, but my attacks have almost completely stopped since my breakup. My relationship was a huge cause of my fears and anxieties. Try to examine what you are afraid of and when the attacks started. If you can figure this out you can find a possible solution.
Lessons learned from Heartbreak:
Day 11: Love and Heartbreak have given me a new set of eyes. Most people look at life as if using a telescope. Telescopes allow you to play with how close or far away you see objects, just as we look at life by time. Past, present, future, scheduling, and planning, is how we live our lives. Everything is realistic, and explainable. This is how I use to see the world.
It took me to be broken, to realize, life is far more beautiful than the predictable telescope. There are colors, and emotions that you can only feel, when you allow yourself to truly love to the limits. It is the same idea as broken glass. Glass is simply smooth and clear, and light can easily penetrate it. However, it is only till the glass is broken, you are capable to see all the rainbows created by it.
Love is the force that breaks you. It is unexplainable and changes shapes and colors like the turning of a kaleidoscope. I was a huge planner. I had everything planned from A-Z, since I was a little girl. When love finally came around, none of it mattered. My guy was unimaginably not my type. From physically, to ethically, to even spiritually. I would never have been able to predict I would fall in love with someone so “wrong” for me. My logical brain predicted the relationship was doomed from the start, but my heart didn’t care. Love has taught me, somethings in life are just not explainable. 1+1 will always equal 2 in the “real” world, but in love, it can end up any number. All rules, and plans flew out the window, and it blew up in my face, but you know what? It was the first time in my life that I can really say I “Lived”. Before that moment, I was always careful, always did what I was told, and never risked anything. Some would say I had a “perfect” life, and yet I can say with conviction, I learned, and lived more when I was a total mess.
Learning to love unconditionally, and needing someone, has taught me emotions I did not even know existed. I am changed forever, and because of it, my life is no longer measured by the ticks of a clock, or the zooming of a lens. Life is about finding the beauty we normally miss, and feeling the colors we normal overlook. Its about “living” with emotion, and valuing love over everything and anything.
Lessons learned from Heartbreak
I don’t know what is worse during heartbreak, the feeling no one loves you, or built up love you want to give, but no one to give it to.
For me, it was the latter. I wish I could just pick up a new guy like most people I know, and just move on. Unfortunately, this thing called, “love” has messed with my senses, and I have no attraction to any guy. It has been 6 months and I have no desire to search, find, or start a new relationship. My heart is content alone, but it is lonely to have no one to give love to.
This is where I have found cooking. Some people joke when they say the magic ingredient to making all things taste better is love, but I kid you not, it is true! My mom hit her head last month, and was rushed to emergency. Ever since I have adopted most of the household duties, and I also cook now. I had no idea I could cook but I love it! I made my mom this ultra healthy soup last week and she absolutely loved it! I chopped garlic very fine and let it simmer a bit, then I added onions and let them sweat, and then the chicken, and like a billion veggies.It was delicious!
When you put your heart and soul when you cook the results are amazing, but what do I mean by this? I mean, cook with intention. Feel from within what would make it taste better. Use your senses, your smell, your touch, your eyes. Don’t cook like a zombie, with a timer and a microwave. Pour yourself a glass of wine, and enjoy the process.
In case any of you are interested I have pasted a recipe to a fantastic pasta dish! Try cooking it with love!
Spaghetti in Garlic Gravy with Herbs and Lemon Marinated Chicken and Cherry Tomatoes
500 grams spaghetti pasta (cooked al dente)
1 pound chicken breast fillets (skinless and boneless, sliced into 1 inch chunks)
For the chicken marinade:
2 teaspoons fresh thyme, chopped
2 teaspoons fresh rosemary, chopped (if using dried, use half of the amount)
Zest of 1 lemon
Juice of ½ a lemon
2 Tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
1 teaspoon coarse salt (not table salt)
½ teaspoon fresh cracked black pepper
2 Tablespoons extra virgin olive oil (to sauté the marinated chicken)
– Add all the marinade ingredients into the chicken and marinate for 20 minutes (if making this dish in pronto) or over night (if making this dish the next day… much better).
– Saute the marinated chicken in extra virgin olive oil until cooked (about 4-5 minutes) then set aside.
For the garlic gravy:
½ stick (1/4 cup) unsalted butter
2 Tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
4 large cloves garlic, finely minced
2 Tablespoons all-purpose flour
2 ½ cups chicken stock
1 Tablespoon fresh basil, chopped
salt and pepper to taste
¼ cup parsley, chopped (to sprinkle/finish the pasta)
½ cup grated parmesan cheese
2 cups whole cherry tomatoes
– Place sauté pan over medium heat and add butter and olive oil.
– Saute garlic until fragrant and soft.
– Add the flour and cook for a minute.
– Add chicken stock and simmer gravy until thickened then add the chopped basil.
– Season with salt and pepper.
– Add the sauteed chicken in the gravy then toss the cooked spaghetti into this sauce.
– Add the cherry tomatoes and finish the dish with the chopped parsley and grated parmesan cheese (serve extra on the side).
Makes 5-6 servings