Rant: Guys and Sluts

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So it’s late now, and of course this means I’m alone with my thoughts, and frustrations, making me want to rant.
Topic of the moment: Sluts

Listen, I am not one to use bad language, and I do not believe anyone should be demoralized as a “slut” if they are not. However, if it quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, and tastes like a duck, it’s a freaken DUCK.
In other words, some girls/guys really deserve the title, “slut”. This is the physical act of sleeping with anyone, and everyone. Sex is acted as a physical form of pleasure, and to them, it really doesn’t matter who it is with.
So why does that bother me and make me want to rant in the wee hours of the morning? Simple. The guy I love is a slut. When he left me, he told me it was for his sanity and it was crucial for him to focus on his career. Did he do that? Nope. Basically he left our relationship of 8 years, acted like a slut and hooked up with sluts. This not only adds salt to a already bloody wound, but it is topped off by insults and questions.

I think of sluts like fast food. They are fast, cheap, pleasureable, and regrettable. It personally makes me feel sick and insulted that, somehow, in the mix of the “time” battle, I lost and they won. He left me to spend time with them? Ouch. I know that “logically” he is the idiot, but in my heart it is still another gash into my bloody heart. I mean, after all, a battle lost is a battle lost. However, how can a good girl beat a slut at her game?
My ex will never admit to it, but there was always this girl, who by the way, was once in love with him and they had hooked up right before we got together. Anyways, she was always around him during our relationship. Even going as far as becoming best friends with his younger brother! Married, single, friends, you name it she slept with them. Not to mention she even had an abortion with a married man. To top it off she is not attractive at all. However, she still managed to be the girl that caused me the most suspicision, pain and insecurity in my entire relationship with my ex. It is pathetic and humiliating that I felt such a character is “competition” but the truth of the matter is, sluts don’t fight fair. They are all ice cream and cake, and I am left serving broccoli and spinach, because I “care”. They are all fun, and games, with no rules, responsibility, or obligations. I always assumed my ex left me for her once I moved back to the States. I mean, they were hanging out a lot the week he dumped me.
Anyways, fast forward two years later, and back into present tense. I asked him, if he had gotten in a relationship with her since we had broken up. He denied it, but said he had slept with her once but it meant nothing. For me, it was heart wrenching, because,a) I don’t believe him and b) of all people, NOT her! Not to mention she has been there all this time. Before me, during me, and after me. She is like this creepy leech that will never let go. Clearly, she won and… Okay, I think I’m going to start crying.
Anyways, Life is eternally painful for me. I love this idiot, despite the fact that I will never really get anything back from him. People promise you that the person you love will Love you back, and you will live this “happily ever after”. Well, I am here to tell you that Is a bunch of crap. I love this man who I know loves me, but thats not enough to have a relationship. Society constantly mixes up the two, but if you want a long, successful relationship with the person you love, you have to want love and want to grow up and do the “right” things. I honestly, do not believe my ex wants love, and finds his weaknesses for me as a nusiance. I make him feel something, and that’s annoying. I tell him things he doesn’t want to hear because I love and care for him, but that is inconvenient and makes him blame me for his problems. Life is not as simple as it is made out to be. Love may be eternal, but the ability to remain together, takes work and maturity.
Sluts make it harder for love to survive, especially with men who have brains in their nuts.
RANT ENDS. goodnight.

Ex Writes Back, 2 Years Later

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So here I am, the heartbreak girl. lol. I can laugh now, but that’s only because I use it as a coping mechanism for pain. Anyways, recently my ex sent me a short message to me, leading up to two very long conversations, and some emails.
If you do not know the back story, he basically dumped me 2 years ago, after I moved away.We were best friends for 4 years and then followed that with another 4 tumultuous years as a couple. Heartbroken as I was, I wrote my bloody tears down on this blog and basically isolated myself from the world.
Cut forward two years later, and it turns out my ex, does love me, or so he says. However, he was not single, in fact had two relationships and a million hookups, but says he could not “forget me”, no matter how hard he tried.
The crazy thing is, I believe him. Maybe partly because my heart wants to, but the thing is, his description of pain sounds familiar to what I went through. Of course he reacted in the negative and used drugs, alcohol, and women to drive his career to nowhere land, while I embraced my pain, became bitter but empowered, and now with a thriving career.
So are we back together? Nope. lol. Why I laugh? I don’t know, but the only way to deal with the shrill pain of it, is to find humor in my ridiculous situation. Anyways, so I guess, he is considering marrying me, just not now. The funny thing is, I have matured a lot in these two years, and yet he sounds exactly the same as I left him. Still hopelessly selfish, immature, and running away from me. Unfortunately for me, he is the man I love, and it seems I haven’t much choice. However, a girl can get wise, grow up, and see things for what it is.
Firstly, let’s get real, I don’t see him ever really committing to me. Although, I do believe he may “want” to. I am proud to say, I am not that girl anymore who is waiting around for his call, or text. I have a life now, and it is completely my own, and that in itself is amazing! In my heart he is #1, but in my life he is like # 157 or some other random number.
Let me explain. Before, I would drop anything to be with him, or adjust to him. He was #1 in my life. This is what I thought one should do in a relationship or when you love someone. Not the case. Always, love yourself first. I know this idea is viewed as selfish or wrong somehow, but lets face it, at the very end of all tough situations, most often “YOU” is all you’ve got. At least in my situation, depending on “people”, has never worked out for me. I have my list of things I must do, and after all is checked off, then and only then do I leave room for my “ex”.
I love him, and it’s complicated. But honestly, he is the most amazing person to talk to for me. We have such intellectual conversations, and our opposite world mentality creates challenging debates, and it really invigorates my soul….I guess, I don’t know what I want anymore. I do feel strongly that he is someone special enough to keep contact and have in my life. Perhaps, a friendship? Ideally, of course I would love to be with him, but honestly, relationships call for “social maturity” and ethical morality, and currently he has very little of each.
I know I will always love him. Let’s face it, we all have that one guy/girl that just has your heart forever. My heart was given to him long ago, but I’m stronger now, and I don’t “need” him to survive. Before he felt like my air, and without him I would die. Not true. Believe it or not, one can live and survive without the person you love. In fact once you learn how, it is extremely empowering and gives you the confidence of being able to conquer most anything.
I learned a valuable lessons in these past two years. The fact that I love him, did remain constant, but believe it or not, loving him is a very small part of who I am. Discovering that part of me that belongs solely to me has allowed me to grow in ways I never knew existed. Take care guys, Im sure I will be ranting here more often.

Barbara Walters Eulogy for Joan Rivers: Friend or Foe?

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In the New York Daily News, Walters published a Eulogy to Joan Rivers admitting “there may have even been a bit of competition between us in the beginning,” but said she and Rivers eventually became close, calling her old friend “wonderful company.”

First of all, am I the only one that didn’t know Barbara Walters was such a “close friend” to Joan Rivers? Her Eulogy was equally perplexing with it’s rather
sweet outer crust of praise, while constantly making conflicting jabs that left a bitter after taste for every reader.

Barbara Walters wrote:

“But there are a few things that are important to know about Joan Rivers; and she would not be shy about me saying so.

She wasn’t a great beauty and she didn’t have great success with men. She had a disappointing marriage to a man who almost ruined her career and then, sadly, committed suicide.

Her stage act was very raunchy. She would make fun of herself. Make fun of her looks. Make fun of her body and she would put herself down in order to win an audience’s approval. Frankly she did almost anything for a laugh. Anything to get an applause. And boy did she make them roar.” (Barbara Walters in New York Daily News)

As a respected journalist for most of her life, it is shocking for me to read a Eulogy that sounds more like a script out of “Mean Girls”, rather than a heartfelt goodbye to a dear friend.

Yes, Joan River’s comedy was completely uncensored. It was shocking, without limits, and unpredictable. However, she was undeniably brilliant. Always balancing the harshness of her words with a love-able wit that allowed you to not take yourself or others too seriously. If she has taught me anything, it is to not fear my weaknesses, but to laugh at them. We all have them and so did she. Always horribly raw, she touched the hearts of many, and it is with great disappointment to read such a biting Eulogy.
Rest in Peace Joan Rivers, you will live forever in the hearts of those you have touched.

Dealing With Goodbyes

I guess the first signs you are “maturing” as a human being, is when good byes get hard.
The only way this really happens to a person is when you have truly loved another and then lost.
In my case, it was a consecutive loss of my grandfather, my dog, and then the ending of my relationship to the only person I ever loved. These experiences have made me realize the shrill pain that follows, a definitive goodbye to someone you continuously love.
It is the most strangest thing to be so close to someone one moment and be so much a part of someone’s life and then to have that life end, and another begins. It really is a form of “living death”. The life you knew goes from reality to memory, and then to a blurry haze that is but a dream.
The truth of the matter is, you get a bit traumatized. My mind has reprogrammed itself, where I am painfully aware of the backstory of a “real goodbye”. My past self translated living in the moment with forgetting the bad and just enjoying the moment. It was a carelessly free way to live, but rather unaware of the depth that is life. The term “living” is not all about making yourself happy. My present self understands things end. Living in the moment means you appreciate every second of that moment simply because you are painfully aware that the moment is precious in its finality. No one is guaranteed a tomorrow, or a forever.
When we live in this mindset of time limits and appreciation, this is when you live. It hurts and it is scary to live this way, because “appreciation” is never sugar coated in all things happy and sweet.
Now, I constantly live with appreciation for everything I have. I am less materialistic, and enjoy the small things is life. However, with that comes the bad, and I currently suffer from “goodbyes”. The realization of endings are scary, and fearful to attach yourself to peoole that will cause you greater pain when it will all come to an end. However, you have to keep on facing those fears and reminding yourself, to not turn away from relationships/friendships, despite the pain that may result from the end.
It is not easy, as I realized this today. I had my last driving lesson with a teacher I have grown quite fond of. I have felt down all day, almost to the point of tears. I know it may seem melodramatic considering he is just my driving teacher, but when I think I will never see or speak to him again, all the other traumatic goodbyes, come back to me. Finality is hard, but time after time, I realize there is strength in places you do not know, and the heart is made to be rebuilt.
Do not risk the chance to live for the fear of being hurt. pain is inevitable.

LOVE is a Destined Miracle

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Commonly we are told, that the validity of Love is identified by the actions presented by the person who is “in-love”. For example, if he/she loves you they will never lie, cheat, hurt you etc. However, this is not true.

First of all, think about it, how did you act when you were in love? As far as for myself, I wish I could say I was respectful, understanding, and perfect, all the time. However, love is the most heightened sense of life, and emotion. Never had I been so out of control. I never dealt with such emotions and it can be quite overwhelming, and confusing on what is happening. Things get twisted, misunderstandings, happen, and emotions are on Fire. It also does not help that Society makes “love” seem like some Disney Movie where everything all of a sudden is always HAPPY and Perfect.
I can only speak on behalf of my own experience, but when I was faced with “love”, in many ways I lost myself. I realized in many ways I was living a lie, created by the perspective of who I am in the eyes of others, simply because stressful situations pull out a lot of truths. I know, society tells you “losing yourself, is a danger sign of a abusive relationship and in some cases it is. However, love is different, and for me the difference was clear. Love, for me was life changing. I felt ALIVE for the first time, and this included happiness, pain, and the revealing of TRUTHS. The person I “thought”, or in many ways who I was brought up to be, was shaken to the deepest core. All my flaws were exposed and I was forced to rebuild.
Love is an unexplainable bond, that can only be felt, and never fully explained. It is eternal, and an experience only comparable to a destined miracle.

The One YOU LOVE is Not Always The RIGHT ONE

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So here is something you may have never heard, but believe it or not there is such a thing as loving someone who is not right for you. I am not talking about some hot attraction to a “bad boy”. This is the kind of love where you can’t live without them, but you really can’t live with them either.

Before this relationship, I always believed that loving someone meant that they would be perfect for you. I mean, after all they are your other half, right? However, my experience with love has taught me harshly, and it has made it frightfully clear that love,and character are two separate factors.

‘Character’ is the way the person thinks, acts, believes, etc. on a conscious level. This part is controlled by your life experiences, education, and to some extent, YOU. ‘Love’, on the other hand, is the bond on a subconscious level, and something we cannot control.
Everyday these two factors make themselves frightfully clear to me. Subconsciously, my heart continues to Love and yearn for my ex. Sometimes tears or sadness just come out of no where. However, on a conscious level, I function. I breathe, I learn, I grow, I change.

My relationship was doomed from the start, and as I look back, I am left mesmerized by how “different” this love story is from what is known. There is no doubt in my mind we loved each other despite our ending. It is sort of true how they say, your true love will be like your other half. However, my experience was not so literal. When we were together, wether it be on the phone or in person, it was such a strange feeling of “oneness”. It allows you to open up like never before, because, it feels like they are part of you anyway. Everything is different from that moment on. You cry deeper, you feel harder, and in many ways change forever.
However, as “people” who have vastly different upbringings, beliefs, morals, etc. it was a constant battle. We constantly fought, and lacked the ability to “get a long”. A combination so volatile and in many ways so “childish” it was destined to break.
I cannot speak on the behalf of my ex, but as far as me, the love has not broken in anyway. I still feel my heart is somehow melded into his, and as creepy as it may seem it “feels” as though he is always with me. However, when I think about “what if we got back together”, I don’t have a clue on how that would even work. Perhaps, if he grew up a bit, and stopped smoking his brains out, stopped partying and got his priorities straight, we would have a chance. However, I would still dislike his family and friends, and that in itself is a relationship breaker. Perhaps if I also matured a bit and worked on my own insecurities there would be a slight window of possibility, for a “lifetime” together.
The important thing to remember is, relationships are like partnerships. You need team work, trust, responsibility, morality, and mutual respect if you want a “life” together. All your bad habits, and disrespectful behaviors need to be worked on, or else living together becomes unbearable. These factors are a MUST for ANY relationship to work. LOVE on the other hand is completely different. Love will always exist, despite anything. The relationship might be over but it is for certain they will live forever in your heart.

The Phenomena that Happens After Heartbreak

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Everyone loves to talk about LOVE that ends “happily ever after”, and if it doesn’t, it is suggested to start again, find another, and achieve your happily ever after.
However, what about those who LOVE and do not WANT to find another? What if your heart always wants one person and the mere existence of some one else is a bitter reminder that makes you feel even more alone than actually being alone? What then?
If you choose to stay true to this feeling and truly absorb the pain and anguish that comes with it, a strange thing happens. A Phenomena really. It is a strange place I live now. My heart still loves some one from my past, who is not part of my present. As my heart continues to love this person that is supported merely by memories embedded in my head, my “present” self continues to push forward in my “Real” life. This is when you start existing in this strange place, that is neither present, or past, but somewhere in between. It’s almost as if you float in this time gap, where you belong neither in the past or the present,
This “time gap” phenomena, has it’s good and bad. The bad is, obviously, the loneliness. No matter where you are, or who you are with, you always have a sense of loneliness, as if no one could ever understand what you feel, unless they themselves are also in this ‘time gap’. I am also increasingly more annoyed with people. This is something I truly would like to work on simply because I do not want to become a grinch and hate everyone. However, you can’t imagine how ignorance is magnified when you are in this space. When you experience such pain, your compassion grows for the “real” issues and the bickering of spoiled brats, or insignificant issues can be quite annoying. The truth is, pain makes it very clear what is important in life. Why? Simply because all the money, or “stuff” in the world will not take away your pain and your realize quickly that there is no real value in it. Fake friends, fake gestures, fake everything becomes extremely annoying simply, because you become highly sensitive to the truth. It’s like they say, “You know who your true friends are when you are at your worst.”
I hold value in my own truths. That little voice in my head that sees and hears everything I do, this is the person I want to please. My desire to please anyone around me, is gone. Why? Simply because at my darkest hours, everyone who I had “impressed” one way or other at one time in my life, was of zero value. That person in my head is the one who is always there, and knows all truths. You realize quickly there is no point in lying or cheating, simply because, the person who will always remain is the person in your head. The only person that truly, and definitely will be your partner ’till death do you part’ is yourself. Realizing this gives my life meaning. Real meaning.
I strive to be a person I am proud of, and create a life of value and meaning. I want to help people, and make a difference. Often times, people then ask or say to me “What about your happiness? You deserve to be happy and you need to go out in the world and make it happen if you ever want to be.”
Honestly, happiness is no longer at the top of my list of desires. My ultimate desire is to learn, and to grow. Happiness for me is experienced in “moments” within experiences. Life is about hard work, no short cuts, and continuously developing yourself into the person you are meant to be.

Smashed Hearts Work Better?

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We live in a society where happiness is golden, and therefore the heart is King. From the very first days of our childhood we are taught to protect our hearts and to stay away from anything or anyone who may potentially hurt it. From the beginning of my childhood, I was told to stick with people who share the same morals, and ethics. This is common practice in most religions, and thus the reason most religious people stick together. It is all in the pursuit to reduce the risk of damaging our precious heart, and facing any pain what so ever. 

To be honest, this protecting of the heart led to an extremely sheltered life. All my friends were minnie clones of me, and I lived an extremely stable and happy life. Everything was controlled, predictable, and extremely stable. I never cried and I was ridiculously happy, and according to society standards, this is the “ideal” way to live. However, I stand here broken to bits by a shattered heart and can honestly say, my heart works better after heartbreak.

If you have followed my blog, you would know that the person I fell in love with,  is as opposite as could be.  He taught me the irony in loving someone who is completely my opposite who in many ways is my reflection. The fact that he was an atheist and I am highly spiritual created massive disagreements. Our values were too different and the only thing that bound us together was love. The clash of beliefs left both of us bruised and beat up, throughout the years, but I can say for myself, he taught me more about life than anyone else. During the relationship I bitterly rejected his beliefs simply because they were so different to what I believed. However, now as i look back,  some of the things I miss most about him was all our late night debates on religion/politics/life. He really widened my perspective on how different people think and believe, and how and why they believe what they do. It is painfully obvious to me now how, limited my perspective and beliefs were knowing only people who thought exactly like me.  

In the end my heart was broken and it did not end as fairy tales promise. However, the lessons I learned are far more precious than all the happily ever afters that could have happened. My heart in its pains, actually feel life deeper. I cry from a deeper place, and appreciate life with humility. I am grateful. I am more aware that every wonderful experience will always have an end, and thus the importance lies in savoring and appreciating of every moment. Every day I live in LOVE. It may not be the kind of “love” that society talks about where you have someone who loves you back and returns your love back to you. The love I have, is the kind you give. I don’t expect anything back,  simply because that is not the kind of love that interests me. You can’t imagine how much you free your heart from heart ache and disappointment when you stop expecting people to return it somehow.

Everything we believe about the heart is false. The heart grows stronger through pain, and every time it breaks it forces you to FEEL and to LIVE through LOVE. It is human nature to want to  avoid any inconvenience or slight discomfort, and it only makes sense through our own ignorance, that we would want to avoid learning anything that causes discomfort. Never let ignorance lead your life, and shelter yourself from actually living it. 

Why is LOVE so Complicated?

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Love is complicated, or is it? The truth of the matter is, love is only complicated because the world is filled with false information. So many things are written about love that are completely untrue and they are engrained in our brain to be completely true. This misconception of “love” is what makes us desire something that is completely un related to love.

First of all, lets clear up the fact that, you do not choose who you love. Love will always remain supreme, and sorry to say, you may get stuck with a real loser. The best way to describe love is the bond between a mother and a baby. A baby cannot choose who their mother is nor can a mother choose who their baby is, however, there is a undeniable bond that links the two. There have been millions of reported cases where people who grew up without their biological mother, would then meet their blood mom, and completely feel this unexplainable link. However, lets also be careful not to misunderstand this link as “liking” that person. We are all  taught to view emotions in degrees. For example, hate-dislike-neutral-like-love. However, the reality is, love does not hold any relation to this emotional chart. “Liking” someone does not turn into love, just as liking someone a lot is not equal to love. Either love exists or it doesn’t. You may not be aware of the love bond at the beginning but certainly a strange bond between the two will have always existed. However, do no misunderstand this bond for ‘sexual attraction’. People often mix up raw animal instincts for love, but this has absolutely nothing to do with love, and often is the trigger of so much confusion. Love is purely based on your “subconscious” and who you are at the purest level. It allows you to un knowingly open up on the deepest level and bond together. 

We have all heard of the saying, “You can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends.” For me this sentence now holds a new meaning. Now a days, people treat love as a computer survey. Whether it be online matchmaking sites or picking a mate by a checklist of necessary qualities, they equate finding love as the same as finding a perfect mate. However, the truth of the matter is, you are choosing the perfect “best friend”. People you choose in life have the potential to be the best “life partners” or great people in your life, however, you cannot choose “love”. This feeling of liking A LOT can lead to a bond that you misunderstand as love but it is very different. This bond is connected on a conscious level but will never click into the subconscious.

However, this does not mean the person who has love is happier while the one with the “best friend” is unfulfilled. This is another misconception. Often times, it is love that drives you insane, unfulfilled, and broken, while programmed suitable partners lead to a stable, controlled, and rather happy life. These type of partners are practical. It may not be love but as far as marriage, it is a better fit. With love, it can get extremely messy and ugly.

The fact our society links the validity of love to marriage is the root of all our confusion. Many people feel their love was not real or a failure simply because the marriage/relationship  ends. This leads to the belief they have some how wasted all those years on the wrong person.nHowever, in my experience the existence of true love is most clear after the break. It is the most inexplainable power that trumps all ability to forget a person. They hold a permanent seat in your heart and mind that nothing can ever replace or remove them. It is heart wrenching in the sense they no longer exist in your “reality” life, and yet they remain completely alive in your heart. Only when you experience it, can you know what it is like to hold someone so dear to your heart. It does not mean you like that person, not at all. Often times, a huge list of bad experiences can make it nearly impossible to deal with a person you love, and yet, the love itself continues to exist. This is again, why I say, “love” is not relative or linked in any way to “like or dislike”.

Another misconception is the idea that Love is meant to make you happy. This was something I am embarrassed to say I  believed whole heartedly. I also believed other silly lies  like, if he loves you he will treat you like a princess.  Truth is love will not always make you happy. In fact through my experience with love, the word “happiness” seemed rather cheap as a description to love. Love is closer related to “beautiful”. It is a mixture of sweetness and bitterness like a fine wine. It is not soda pop, filled with only bubbly fun and sweet sugar. The truth is, the deeper you love, the deeper the fear. Every great emotion comes with an equally great loss, everything is highly unstable and only the strongest survive. I suffered a lot with the idea that a man who loves me would always treat me like a princess. This was what I was taught and it served as a tough road block when I was faced with love. The truth is, a man who treats you like a princess was taught somewhere a long the line to treat the woman he loves, like a princess.  This doesn’t mean the jerk who slams the door in your face does not love you. Manners, and pampering abilities are often things learned by viewing their parents. If they come from a dysfunctional family, this is what they are programmed to feel is natural. They can fake it at the beginning, but as you become closer, the “real” person comes out. This is why it is common for people who come from broken families to end up in broken relationships. Love is not the culprit and should not be the one who is blamed. It is always the matter of self discipline, character, and behavior that determines the success of a relationship. Love itself, will always exist despite a broken relationship.

  

Break ups and Moving On

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Breaking up is hard, but the challenging part is moving on.

People, often misunderstand “moving on” as in dating someone new or trying to forget about the person you are no longer with. The heart is not something you can control. You may change all factors of your life, but your heart will still remain where it wants.

If you want to move on, the first step is accepting you have very little control of your heart. It loves who it chooses, and you have very little say. Trust me, letting go of this power will prevent you from making regrettable mistakes.

Moving on means, you accept the path you were given. It is the “physical”separation of starting a new life, and the “physical” act of moving forward. Who you love is not something you can control, but you have complete control in what you will do. Get up, clean your room, brush your teeth, these are all things that you CAN do. Will it cure your broken heart? Probably not, but these positive first steps are moving you forward.

Emotions are something that will change in reaction to what you do, therefore, the clearing or collecting of negative vibes will determine the course of your future. If you desire to dig your way out of a dark depression then you must clear out all negativity from your life. Open your curtains, get some sun, hang out with positive people, and do good things. Positive places and behaviors, are like the saying, “Birds of a feather flock together”, it attracts good people and better outcomes. 

Everyday, I live with a broken heart. There hasn’t been one day I didn’t think about my ex, or find my heart wandering to him. However, what I have also  learned is time moves you forward whether you like it or not. Don’t fight the natural course your life is making and trust things will work itself out. Nature is far wiser than we are, and like a tsunami or earthquake, the earth always rebuilds itself. 

good luck friends,

x