I do believe it was Einstein, who defined insanity, as doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different out come.
Making a difficult relationship work, means CHANGES have to be made.
I am embarrassed to say, it took me countless break ups with the same guy, over the same things, nearly a million crazy times to finally realize; things won’t get better, till I change something. YES, ME not him.
Here are my Top 5 TIPS that are helping me in my relationship:
TIP 1: CHANGE
I focused so many hours expressing my feelings, and hoping my guy would change his ways. I found my voice soothing to myself, while disregarding how annoying it must have been for him. I think a lot of us make this mistake of trying to “teach” your partner how to love you. For some people this may work, but in my situation it NEVER DID.
What does seem to work is changing my behavior. Lead by example. If you want positivity in your relationship, be the first to put it there. DO something nice for no reason and most importantly DO NOT JUMP SO QUICKLY TO ACCUSE AND THINK THE WORST. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Seeing the best in the person you love, helps them WANT TO BE BETTER. The challenge is, YOUR STRENGTH. It is very hard to maintain the stamina to control your ego.
It is your EGO that demands kindness in a sour way. Let your HEART fertilize kindness in a organic way.
TIP 2: STAY AWAY FROM SELF PITY
I can not count how many times I started arguments feeling sorry for myself. I focused all my energy on what I needed and what I deserved.
” I loved you with everything and you never loved me. You used me, YOU betrayed, and humiliated me!! YOU ARE HORRIBLE! “
In the heat of the moment those thoughts and words seem VERY true, and you say them because you are HURT and want confirmation that you are wrong. When you don’t get that confirmation you start spiraling further. When the reality is, you know deep down it’s not true. One of the main things my guy disliked about my behavior was how I was so quick to disregard his efforts to show his love for me. In his way he tried harder than he ever did for another girl, and it fueled such anger in him to hear me so casually disregard all of it. Don’t use low blows in fights hoping to get a hug, or an apology, because I promise you, it’s not coming.
STOP ACCUSING, and START LISTENING. I promise you nothing works better than saying something sweet, followed by silence. Let him explain to you.
“I know you love me, and I trust you… *silence* ….” I’m tired, and I am going to sleep a little bit. “
Trust the power of silence. 🙂
TIP 3: BE PARTNERS NOT COMPETITORS
“I’m right, you’re wrong.” Is basically the simplified formula of any argument.
The funny thing is, if you decide to be partners, it makes no sense to argue who is right or wrong. What you should be doing is focusing on solutions and destinations. If you do not like something, then figure out a way “together” to make it work. WORK together to make it right.
Competing for your egos is the quickest way to a blow out fight.
TIP 4: HOW NOT TO RUN.
Things are tough, and if your anything like me or my partner, you will constantly want to run. I think we are biologically programmed to reject discomfort. However, you can’t get anywhere in a difficult relationship until you decide, “running” is not an option. This tip is still a hard one for both of us, and sometimes we slip up. But we talk about it when things are going well, and make pre-planned decision to not say “break-up” or threaten leaving whenever things get heated. It’s amazing how a simple change like this, can strengthen your relationship and make you feel like you are on the same side. It really helps with trust.
TIP 5: A HAPPY MERRY GO ROUND
In the past I often defined my relationship as a merry-go-round of horror, and I have discussed it with my partner, and we joke about it now. This theory is about not letting ourselves repeat all our mistakes. We all have bad habits and flaws, but with discipline you can check yourself.Analyze your problem spots in the past and come up with a strategy together to prevent it from happening again. SOLVING these mistakes, churn out new experiences together, and find you no longer repeating same situations.
Take care guys!
Much love to you all.