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So here I am crying again, reminded of two years ago, and how it was like to be with my ex. I really love him, and that is singularly the only reason I accept so much crap from him. He has this way of treating me in such a way that “unknowingly” I feel worthless to him. i know all of you are thinking, “crazy girl, get rid of him and find someone who will treat you right and give you the love you need.” However, the reality is, love is not fair.

I look at love like this: Imagine a classroom and each person is paired off with a random partner. Its not your choice but a simple pull from the hat. There are always those few lucky pairs that work well together, think alike, and respect one another. However, the majority are quite mismatched, random, and chaotic. Thats me!

I believe love is exactly like this. Everyone boasts about these “perfect partners” who should do this, and be like this, but no one ever talks about the TRUTH that some people may have a soul mate who is a total DUD, and completely suck. It is simple mathematics. If everyone in the world has only one true soul mate, or even lets say a couple of them, how does that work? Someone is obviously paired off with a serial killer, a flake, or massive player. We try to convince ourselves we are somehow in control of who we select as our mates, but wouldn’t that lead to multiple women attacking the very few “good men” in the world? It just wouldn’t balance out.

So here I am, “randomly” in love with a douche. My heart aches for him, and it doesn’t matter what anyone says, or what I do, I know my heart will always come a live, with the mere thought of him. It is this unexplainable magnetism, or electric trigger, that snaps me into such vulnerability and utter stupidity. I know I may sound dim witted on this site, after all, I continuously ride this merry go round of “love horror” and choose to remain riding it. Most professionals whould label such an idiot, codependent. Call me what you want, but when you meet someone who makes you feel as I feel, there is no denying, this person is not some random jerk. In case I didn’t get my memo, it reads, ” Sorry princess, your sould mate is a moronic flake.”

Most people have trouble losing. It is some how coded in our dna that losers are only for losers. This causes most to take matters into their own hands and disregard the feelings of love an replace them with practical matters that society regards as “happiness, and success”. The perfect man, the nice cars, the luxury vacations, etc.

In modern society, Love has become a verb, and is defined not by how you feel, but what you will do, and what they will do for you. I actually just recently stumbled past an adorable children’s book at the bookstore titled, “I love you because….” Each page was filled with reasons why the mouse loved another mouse, and as cute as it was, it made me think, “This is such a messed up message to send children”. It is basically stating, love is something you can earn. Something you can essentially buy. If you do x, y, or z, then I will love you? Really?

My ex, is a sorry soul. I love him so dearly for an unknown reason. The moment I met him, my heart unknowingly opened up, and it was a connection that cannot be explained. Its like my heart knew him before I did. Its like, my heart loved him, despite my brain choosing not to. He is the kind of guy who values unimportant things, and fake people. He is lost, and causing his own failures and pain. All I can do is watch, and continuosuly live in pain and unrelenting disappointment as my “partner” blindly lives a life of misdirection. I want to help, but I do not know what I can do. Certain aspects of life can only be accomplished and learned on their own, and I believe this is one of them. Love is not some magic potion that fixes all your problems or makes you a better person. Love is a gift in its ability to make you “LIVE” . It intrigues me how similar the word LOVE and Live are. If you add I to Love it means you LIVE, and this belief speaks true to me. Despite a billion and one reasons why I SHOULD leave my ex for good, I cannot simply because the level of love I have for him, far exceeds his stupidity. So, what now? How is one to live, realizing the man she loves will possibly never make her happy? This is where I am at now. The things I seek now, are to give love. I don’t know if I ever will recieve it like others do. Life just never worked out for me like that. I want to be one of the few people who stay real, speak the truth, and help the world because they really want to rather than some political agenda. I know this all must sound cheezy and some fake blogger who is portraying herself as some kind of mother teresa. I know it may be hard to believe, but the purest form of happiness is to “give” love. My painful experiences has taught me how meaningless so many things we cherish are, simply because non of them make you happy when you are in a desperate situation. Love, “thankfulness” and a pure heart, are the golden gifts to cherish, because these are the things that helped me survive my traumatic heart break.
-xo

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