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So here I am, the heartbreak girl. lol. I can laugh now, but that’s only because I use it as a coping mechanism for pain. Anyways, recently my ex sent me a short message to me, leading up to two very long conversations, and some emails.
If you do not know the back story, he basically dumped me 2 years ago, after I moved away.We were best friends for 4 years and then followed that with another 4 tumultuous years as a couple. Heartbroken as I was, I wrote my bloody tears down on this blog and basically isolated myself from the world.
Cut forward two years later, and it turns out my ex, does love me, or so he says. However, he was not single, in fact had two relationships and a million hookups, but says he could not “forget me”, no matter how hard he tried.
The crazy thing is, I believe him. Maybe partly because my heart wants to, but the thing is, his description of pain sounds familiar to what I went through. Of course he reacted in the negative and used drugs, alcohol, and women to drive his career to nowhere land, while I embraced my pain, became bitter but empowered, and now with a thriving career.
So are we back together? Nope. lol. Why I laugh? I don’t know, but the only way to deal with the shrill pain of it, is to find humor in my ridiculous situation. Anyways, so I guess, he is considering marrying me, just not now. The funny thing is, I have matured a lot in these two years, and yet he sounds exactly the same as I left him. Still hopelessly selfish, immature, and running away from me. Unfortunately for me, he is the man I love, and it seems I haven’t much choice. However, a girl can get wise, grow up, and see things for what it is.
Firstly, let’s get real, I don’t see him ever really committing to me. Although, I do believe he may “want” to. I am proud to say, I am not that girl anymore who is waiting around for his call, or text. I have a life now, and it is completely my own, and that in itself is amazing! In my heart he is #1, but in my life he is like # 157 or some other random number.
Let me explain. Before, I would drop anything to be with him, or adjust to him. He was #1 in my life. This is what I thought one should do in a relationship or when you love someone. Not the case. Always, love yourself first. I know this idea is viewed as selfish or wrong somehow, but lets face it, at the very end of all tough situations, most often “YOU” is all you’ve got. At least in my situation, depending on “people”, has never worked out for me. I have my list of things I must do, and after all is checked off, then and only then do I leave room for my “ex”.
I love him, and it’s complicated. But honestly, he is the most amazing person to talk to for me. We have such intellectual conversations, and our opposite world mentality creates challenging debates, and it really invigorates my soul….I guess, I don’t know what I want anymore. I do feel strongly that he is someone special enough to keep contact and have in my life. Perhaps, a friendship? Ideally, of course I would love to be with him, but honestly, relationships call for “social maturity” and ethical morality, and currently he has very little of each.
I know I will always love him. Let’s face it, we all have that one guy/girl that just has your heart forever. My heart was given to him long ago, but I’m stronger now, and I don’t “need” him to survive. Before he felt like my air, and without him I would die. Not true. Believe it or not, one can live and survive without the person you love. In fact once you learn how, it is extremely empowering and gives you the confidence of being able to conquer most anything.
I learned a valuable lessons in these past two years. The fact that I love him, did remain constant, but believe it or not, loving him is a very small part of who I am. Discovering that part of me that belongs solely to me has allowed me to grow in ways I never knew existed. Take care guys, Im sure I will be ranting here more often.