I guess the first signs you are “maturing” as a human being, is when good byes get hard.
The only way this really happens to a person is when you have truly loved another and then lost.
In my case, it was a consecutive loss of my grandfather, my dog, and then the ending of my relationship to the only person I ever loved. These experiences have made me realize the shrill pain that follows, a definitive goodbye to someone you continuously love.
It is the most strangest thing to be so close to someone one moment and be so much a part of someone’s life and then to have that life end, and another begins. It really is a form of “living death”. The life you knew goes from reality to memory, and then to a blurry haze that is but a dream.
The truth of the matter is, you get a bit traumatized. My mind has reprogrammed itself, where I am painfully aware of the backstory of a “real goodbye”. My past self translated living in the moment with forgetting the bad and just enjoying the moment. It was a carelessly free way to live, but rather unaware of the depth that is life. The term “living” is not all about making yourself happy. My present self understands things end. Living in the moment means you appreciate every second of that moment simply because you are painfully aware that the moment is precious in its finality. No one is guaranteed a tomorrow, or a forever.
When we live in this mindset of time limits and appreciation, this is when you live. It hurts and it is scary to live this way, because “appreciation” is never sugar coated in all things happy and sweet.
Now, I constantly live with appreciation for everything I have. I am less materialistic, and enjoy the small things is life. However, with that comes the bad, and I currently suffer from “goodbyes”. The realization of endings are scary, and fearful to attach yourself to peoole that will cause you greater pain when it will all come to an end. However, you have to keep on facing those fears and reminding yourself, to not turn away from relationships/friendships, despite the pain that may result from the end.
It is not easy, as I realized this today. I had my last driving lesson with a teacher I have grown quite fond of. I have felt down all day, almost to the point of tears. I know it may seem melodramatic considering he is just my driving teacher, but when I think I will never see or speak to him again, all the other traumatic goodbyes, come back to me. Finality is hard, but time after time, I realize there is strength in places you do not know, and the heart is made to be rebuilt.
Do not risk the chance to live for the fear of being hurt. pain is inevitable.

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