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Everyone loves to talk about LOVE that ends “happily ever after”, and if it doesn’t, it is suggested to start again, find another, and achieve your happily ever after.
However, what about those who LOVE and do not WANT to find another? What if your heart always wants one person and the mere existence of some one else is a bitter reminder that makes you feel even more alone than actually being alone? What then?
If you choose to stay true to this feeling and truly absorb the pain and anguish that comes with it, a strange thing happens. A Phenomena really. It is a strange place I live now. My heart still loves some one from my past, who is not part of my present. As my heart continues to love this person that is supported merely by memories embedded in my head, my “present” self continues to push forward in my “Real” life. This is when you start existing in this strange place, that is neither present, or past, but somewhere in between. It’s almost as if you float in this time gap, where you belong neither in the past or the present,
This “time gap” phenomena, has it’s good and bad. The bad is, obviously, the loneliness. No matter where you are, or who you are with, you always have a sense of loneliness, as if no one could ever understand what you feel, unless they themselves are also in this ‘time gap’. I am also increasingly more annoyed with people. This is something I truly would like to work on simply because I do not want to become a grinch and hate everyone. However, you can’t imagine how ignorance is magnified when you are in this space. When you experience such pain, your compassion grows for the “real” issues and the bickering of spoiled brats, or insignificant issues can be quite annoying. The truth is, pain makes it very clear what is important in life. Why? Simply because all the money, or “stuff” in the world will not take away your pain and your realize quickly that there is no real value in it. Fake friends, fake gestures, fake everything becomes extremely annoying simply, because you become highly sensitive to the truth. It’s like they say, “You know who your true friends are when you are at your worst.”
I hold value in my own truths. That little voice in my head that sees and hears everything I do, this is the person I want to please. My desire to please anyone around me, is gone. Why? Simply because at my darkest hours, everyone who I had “impressed” one way or other at one time in my life, was of zero value. That person in my head is the one who is always there, and knows all truths. You realize quickly there is no point in lying or cheating, simply because, the person who will always remain is the person in your head. The only person that truly, and definitely will be your partner ’till death do you part’ is yourself. Realizing this gives my life meaning. Real meaning.
I strive to be a person I am proud of, and create a life of value and meaning. I want to help people, and make a difference. Often times, people then ask or say to me “What about your happiness? You deserve to be happy and you need to go out in the world and make it happen if you ever want to be.”
Honestly, happiness is no longer at the top of my list of desires. My ultimate desire is to learn, and to grow. Happiness for me is experienced in “moments” within experiences. Life is about hard work, no short cuts, and continuously developing yourself into the person you are meant to be.