Right now, I am in that horrible moment of pain and fear. Normally, my blogs are always encouraging and motivational, but today I decided to blog when I am in a much different state.
So it’s like this. It is 3 am, and I am lying in bed. I can’t sleep and I am on the verge of tears. Every time it happens I don’t understand. Having had it happen so many times, I don’t even bother to make sense of it, It is such an intense feeling of sadness, that comes whenever it feels like. It has a mind of its own, And I’ve learned to coexist with it.
I miss him. The closest way to describe it, is my soul wanting to reach him. I don’t really have anything to say or the need to write him or see him, but the intensity of sadness still comes like a tsunami. Normally, these days I have been great. I practice ballet everyday, I have orchestra rehearsals, and feel quite alright. They are all good signs, normally meaning I am moving on and getting over it, but it doesn’t feel like it. My soul hasn’t moved on. It still searches for him wanting him. It is such a unbelievable feeling of loneliness. I know, everyone believes I should go out, and meet people and socialize, I mean it has been over a year. However, I just can’t. It makes me miss him more when I socialize with people, and it’s something no one really understands. The only thing that gives me some peace, is being a lone. I am in a relationship with me, and this too can drive you half mad. I am constantly thinking, and wondering how so many people can live a life so misguided. Partly jealous of their ignorance, and total bliss. I remember back to the days when I would buy a pair of Gucci pumps, twirl in front of a mirror and do a little runway walk. Absolutely, carefree, ridiculously simple minded, but totally happy. Now, I live a life of constant reflection, and questions of purpose, quality and reasoning. Everything in life now has a meaning, a reason and a purpose. My mother finds me completely dull and tunes out all of my philosophical jargon. She calls me boring, and worries no man will ever marry such a crazy over thinker.
The sad thing is, I don’t care. What is marriage if your heart is still so completely attached to someone else? The truth is I know I’m at that age where the clock is ticking, and I should have babies. I am aware all women are not like men, and the window of opportunity is less as we age. I of course would love to have a baby and be a mother,but where my heart is right now, it is not possible for me. It is gradually coming to my realization a life with a family, and the comfort of “people’s love” may not be in my destiny. Please do not read this post as a pity fest. I do not feel sorry for myself in any way. Everything has its reason, and perhaps It is my destiny to wander the earth alone serving the work of God. I know it is still possible that I am struck with love again, , but if not, ONE time was more than enough.