Valentine’s Day. lol. Such a Wonder-rible (wonderful+horrible) Day. I have been dreading this day all year, simply because it is the first Valentine’s Day I will be spending it alone since the break-up, and a reminder it has almost been exactly one year since we stopped all contact. Don’t get me wrong I am not one of those girls who always had a Valentine, in fact I never had one besides my ex. I never really cared much for this day but my ex really made this day special, and for the past 4 years, it was the most wonderful day of the year.
Now jump a year later, and all V- Day advertisement, love movies, heart shaped chocolates, flowers, are like annoying little daggers to the heart. Yes, I know everyone says it doesn’t need to be with a lover, it can be with a pet or a friend, or family, but we all know deep down it’s a bunch of crap. Once you spend it with someone you love, you know this day is meant only for those moments when you have someone like that.
Yes, my life is better, in the sense that I am healthier, calmer, and more capable of accomplishing my “life goals”, but there always is this “pain” that comes with me everywhere. I really love him, and it scares me, that the intensity of this love, has not diminished even a little bit, one year later. When you love like that, it is a wonderful thing but it also is scary because, the belief you can fall in love again seems impossible. Currently, I function, by focusing on me. I am accomplishing goals I have put off all my life, and I am really working on improving myself. When I accomplish these goals, or tasks I get this rush of adrenaline. This is honestly, the only way I can feel a “high” that is even slightly close to what I felt while being with my ex.
The truth is, we all just want to be loved, and a day like this really just feels like, nobody does.