Everyone says time heals all wounds. I disagree. What happens is, you grow stronger and wiser. It is your job to “workout” your emotions and get stronger. It has been 8 months since I spoke to my ex, and yes, I am much better now . However, the severity of the pain is not less. Not at all, it is unrelenting and exhausting. The best way to describe my current life, is like a huge, never ending marathon. It’s like when you run, you get these muscle cramps and you feel like you just have to stop but you push through, and you make another target to push a little more. You get this adrenaline rush each time you outrun what you thought was your limit. This is my life. I am constantly, pushing forward, staying busy, but all over this agitated feeling of , “Do not stop”, and “I’m in pain”. Whenever, I do take a moment with my thoughts, usually at night as my eyes close shut to sleep. One salty tear sneaks from the corner of my eyelid and falls down my cheek. To my shock, another, and another, and another, until my cheeks are soaked wet. Such a deep pain, I never knew. It is so hard to keep going every morning, but I know the secret. It is MUCH harder to stay in bed and let your mind replay the horror of missing someone in the past. You are in the present, and whether you like it or not, the gift of PAIN, forces you to stop being lazy and move forward. Take all your emotional baggage and PUSH forward. TRuST me it is the only way to survive.
I am the first person, to admit, I was never an over achiever. Yes, I went to school, got my degrees, but my head was ways stuck in the clouds. I was the type who loved snuggling in bed all day watching movies on my off days. I never had that “itch” to get out there, and be the BEST. However, “PAIN” has turned my life upside down. It has taken away my ability to just hang around, relax, and be happy. Whenever, I stop, the tears start. This is the downfall of my pain, however, the benefits are, I have accomplished so much with my life since the pain began. I have so many projects, I can’t even keep track. My life is go, go, go, and the value of my development is shocking. Pain actually helps me to remove myself from what is safe, and comfortable. I constantly find myself in new situations, and an existence of transformation. I have to, or else the pain is too much.
Living with Pain everyday, has built a strange relationship between me and Pain. Before, I always just wanted to be happy, and I would do anything to get away from pain. However, since nothing I did would separate me from pain, I realized, it has a lot to teach you as well. Pain in an odd way, helps me to push myself and break barriers that I thought could never reach or break. It brings great satisfaction and personal elevation and transformation. Once I realized this, it has been a clearer understanding of what i must do. I’m running the marathon of life, and pain will always be with me. It is making me stronger, and soon I will be where I am meant to be. Pain will bring me there.