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So I had a Panic Attack today. My problem is, I know people like me to be a certain way.  I  love my mom more than anything, and I know she loves me too, but one thing she has trouble with, is accepting me when I am sad. She doesn’t deal well when I cry or when I need comforting. In fact she gets mad if I do.

This has taught me early on, to be happy and avoid problems.  Fake it till you make it, right? It worked for me, until I fell in love. After that, Faking happiness lead me  to panic attacks. Love opened up a can of worms and ever since my emotions are much stronger. Today was a result of weeks of over working myself, and showing a bubbly happy person to the world. I believed I was happy, and maybe I really was. The fact is, I obviously was holding in something from somewhere because today was pretty bad. 

Usually when I have a panic attacks I notice similar things about myself. I start to feel a pain in my chest, and then I start to get scared and then I start to cry. After one tear, there’s no stopping the rest, and then I start to panic. Today it was with my mother in the car. My mother got mad at me for crying and normally i would just leave to cry alone, but today since it happened in the car she saw it first hand. The more mad she got, the more I panicked! and I finally understood what I was so scared of.

Im scared that nobody really loves me, I mean all of me. People love parts of me, but everything? I have no one in my life to turn to when I am sad. Everyone has betrayed me at one point or left. Even my mother, normally my best friend, she is never there for me when I am emotionally helpless. She really doesn’t know a large part of who I am. Dont get me wrong, everything else, she is an excellent mother. I don’t know what I am writting anymore. I guess what I am saying is, it is hard. I feel so alone in this world.