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Lessons learned from Heartbreak:

Lesson 10: 2 of Me

Heartbreak has taught me there are 2 versions of myself. There is me alone, and me when I was with my ex. I have heard about the standard loss of identity when you are with someone you fancy, but I didn’t have any of the  classic symptoms. 

I was very cautious to keep my identity, and refused to be with someone I would have to change for. I was opinionated, and constantly battling my ex with his atheist views, and was never scared to speak my mind. We debated everything from politics to pop culture. I never considered his opinions on how I dressed, and just did my thing. So in my book I thought I had done a good job in protecting my identity. However, when I found myself horribly crushed in a billion pieces, I realized the person I was, at that moment was the real me. 

The difference between the girl with the boyfriend and  the girl sitting crying in the corner of her room was one was in denial and one was living the truth.  When he left me, all my weaknesses were exposed. All my emotional baggage from all kinds of places, came crashing down and my weak foundation was exposed. When I was with him, I distracted a lot of MY problems on issues I had with him. I thought he made me stronger, but it was quite the opposite. I was like a little girl hanging on to her daddy’s sleeve on the first day of preschool, and I was simply running from myself. With him, I was confident, but this wasn’t confidence at all. It was just a distraction from the fear of facing the world alone. Fear from answering what MY purpose on this earth would be. Fear on figuring out my life all about me.  It was as if, a million mirrors were now pointing at me, and I was faced to deal with my issues. I learned at this moment,  Love is a very strong force, and it strips you bare. As raw as you are it gives you the opportunity to recognize yourself. Face to face, just you and yourself. 

When I am alone, I hear my inner voice. We all have it, it’s that voice that gives it’s opinion on just about everything. When I was with him, my inner voice was fading, and instead of listening to her, I would call him. I feasted on conversations with him, and neglected  conversations with myself. I thought I knew exactly who I was, but the truth is, I don’t. Even now, it is a learning process, but being alone is the most fantastic time to figure it out.